Kevin Bemel ·
Your 1st Duty is to You
Sailors and Marines are a pretty selfless lot. While periodically they have to be away for long periods of time, they are devoted to their families, shipmates, and friends. In some cases, they give up life and limb for our nation. For those who do not make this supreme sacrifice, ironically, sometimes their generosity puts their careers at risk.
While on deployment a sailor came to see me. Overwrought about something going on with his family, he was willing to do virtually anything to get home to help them. I asked him if he realized that should he leave the ship without permission he would be counted UA, unauthorized absence, and depending on the circumstances after 30 days classified as a deserter. He told me he understood. Then I asked him how becoming a fugitive would help his family. At that moment the light went on. He realized it did his family no good to be imprisoned without an income.
Young sailors aren’t the only people who hurt themselves out of a misguided sense of selflessness.
[Tweet "You Cannot Help Others Unless Your Life Sits on a Solid Foundation"]
Here’s reality. You can only help someone else if you have the resiliency and resources to shoulder some of that person’s burden until he gets back on his own feet. Often this takes longer than you expect. If by helping another person you substantially or permanently damage yourself, now you're in the position of needing assistance too.
Before going on a rescue mission consider the following:
- What is the real reason the person is struggling? A person sometimes fails to see the true source of his troubles. With little cost to yourself, your greater objectivity may help him see life more clearly. Certainly if you differ about the problem be skeptical about intervening further.
- Having agreed on the issue(s), what needs to be done? Even if you see eye to eye on what’s wrong that does not mean you will come up with the same plan for helping. Agreement here is crucial.
- Do you have money to spare? When I give someone money, even if it’s understood to be a loan, I do not expect to be repaid. If I cannot afford to lose the money, I don’t offer it in the first place. As a result I keep my finances sound and friendships intact. If you have to get the money back, it’s a business transaction. Treat it as such.
- What about other resources? Money may not be the only thing you will need to expend. Others include time, referrals, impact on your professional and family lives, and taxing of your emotional and spiritual reserves. Keep in mind, having to cut off your help part way through may leave the person worse off.
If you and the person cannot agree on what needs to be done or if you have insufficient resources, it is not selfish to decline to help. No merit comes from hurting yourself in a vain attempt to render assistance. You don’t need to be the rescuer. Try referring the person to someone else or to an organization that is better prepared to render aid.
Saying no to someone in need may be difficult.
[Tweet "Here’s the Hard Truth: Your First Responsibility is to Yourself"]
If you cannot fulfill this duty, what makes you think you can serve another?
What circumstance justifies hurting yourself to help someone else?
