Manage Expectations: Key to Happiness

(Note: I’m going to speak directly to veterans in this post. Even if you’ve never have been in the military I encourage you to read on. You will find it enlightening.)

Here’s the challenge: Veterans feel that civilians do not understand them or their experience. At any given time less than 1% of Americans are in the military. So for the vast majority of people movies and television provide the only source of information about military life. Are they getting a realistic view?

Expectations Make the Difference

But here’s the other challenge: While we may not admit it, many veterans do not understand civilians. And that’s the real problem. When we get out of the military we’re returning to unfamiliar territory. It’s unrealistic to expect the 99% to adjust to our 1%.

The military trains us to believe our duty is tough. Starting with boot camp, which depending can be challenging to arduous, our first experience generally is more difficult than civilian life. Before and upon return from deployment we’re prepared for arduous duty. Finally, we hear from civilians we’re heroes prepared for working such dangerous, grueling jobs.

I’m not minimizing how difficult combat deployments are or how frustrating military life can be. But think about it. A great deal of our time is spent getting ready for the hardships we face. We get briefs to help us cope with family separation and reunion. We train a lot so we can be safer and more effective when in danger.

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So when we leave the military it’s natural to assume that civilian life will be a breeze. Anyone who has been out for a while knows this could not be farther from the truth. But such expectations interfere with a successful transition.

The Trials of Civilian Life

When are civilians trained to deal with the vicissitudes of life? Parents should teach their children such skills. Many do not. Nor do high schools and colleges. I am unaware of any company that provides briefs on how traveling executives should deal with separations from their families. Few expect their employees to spend part of their day exercising.

Many veterans struggle because their blunt communication style. While common in the military, civilian workplaces will not tolerate it. In theory, this supports the idea that the military is tougher. In reality, because words have to be chosen more carefully, civilian life is more challenging.

Here are other ways being a civilian is more difficult than being a service member:

The military has a mission that aspires to a higher purpose. Even for companies that are mission-focused, rarely is it as inspiring as defending democracy.

Virtually all discipline in civilian life must be self-imposed. No one is there to keep you in line. Lack of discipline in the military typically leads to uncomfortable talks with your enlisted leadership. In the civilian world, you’re fired.

By its nature, the military develops unit cohesion and teamwork. In civilian life, you have to take the initiative to build your network. And your colleagues may not be eager to help since they have no inherent esprit de corps.

The military invests in its people. We have libraries, online education programs, liberty centers, on the job training, clear roads for advancement, health care, all for free. Nowhere else, not even as a government employee, will you find such support.

There are others, but these are the most significant differences.

Re-Create Military Advantages

To be successful in civilian life, you’ll have to replace what you lost when you left the military. Do the following:

Develop your own statement of purpose and mission. Make it aspirational. Include what you want in your family, personal, professional, and spiritual life.

Make self-discipline a part of your day. Commit to a bedtime and wake-up time. Set a healthy diet and exercise plan to keep at or regain your proper weight and fitness.

Make relationship development your primary function as a civilian. If you’re not getting where you want to go you don’t know the right people. And don’t forget. Daily, positive interactions are essential to a thriving family life.

Invest in yourself. Reality is you probably don’t need more formal education. But get trained in civilian life skills. Take a look at my post on why a degree probably won’t make you more money. Find a mentor or coach.

Finally, manage your expectations. Know that civilian life is going to be more difficult than military life.

Whether you’re a veteran or a civilian, the road to success is the same. Follow the four points above and you will find the life you want is within your grasp.

What Are Your Expectations for Life?
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