Kevin Bemel ·
How to Rid Yourself of Fearing Pain
The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you're in control of your life. If you don't, life controls you. – Tony Robbins
Do you like pain? I do not. It’s, well a pain. At best annoying and disagreeable, at worst deeply wounding – physically, emotionally, even spiritually - pain avoidance would seem to be the wisest path. People as intelligent as Aristotle and Ayn Rand advocated doing so. Why would anyone welcome physical soreness, heartache, or spiritual anguish? Why indeed.
For decades I avoided pain like the proverbial plague. Sometimes I passed up enjoyment and social engagement rather than risk experiencing pain. At the same time, I often wondered why my life never seemed to get anywhere. Serial relationships that never matured into marriage, business plateauing, an unfulfilled spiritual yearning: but another custom-tailored suit or handmade pair of shoes assuaged the loneliness and lack of satisfaction.
Then I got married and pain avoidance was no longer a practical strategy. Festering professional dissatisfaction and dislike of my physical state had to be resolved lest my glumness destroy the one area in which I was making progress. Creating a relationship with my wife was the imperative. Here is the truth:
Rarely does comfort impel growth or change
I began working on physical fitness. My diet had to change. No more dinners consisting of a dozen sourdough rolls and a pint of Haagen-Dazs washed down with a liter of Diet Caffeine-Free Coke. Caloric intake was reduced to 1500 a day, primarily whole-grain breakfast cereal, fresh fruit and vegetables, non-fat cottage cheese, salsa, a handful of tortilla chips, and water. After three months of hunger pains as my constant companion, I had lost almost 30 pounds.
I started exercising. One day about a year later I looked in the mirror after showering and realized I did not recognize the person staring back. Aching muscles had led to a physical state that I could be proud of. That is when I learned one of life’s fundamental rules:
Pain = Success
As painfully frightening as giving up my business was going to be, I hold to let go of it. With Melanie’s guidance, I became a Navy Rabbi. Many of you know what my life has been since then.
What you probably do not know is that I continued to shy away from painful situations, and still do to this day. But ever more frequently I see such behavior for what it is: self-defeating. Living intentionally: physically, mentally, and spiritually means being reconciled to experiencing pain. Actually, it means more than that. Many times it must be sought, pursued like a precious elixir. When you drink it, not only are you out of your comfort zone, you are growing.
Remember the television show The Incredible Hulk starring Bill Bixby? As he changed from Dr. Bruce Banner into the Hulk, transforming his body, you could see, hear, even feel his pain. And while this was just a TV show, the metaphor is apt.
While as I write this I cannot say that I always embrace pain, yet the thought of experiencing it intimidates me far less frequently than in the past. This process never ends.
If I could convince you of one thing that would help you be happier and live your life with greater intention it is the formula I wrote above:
Pain = Success
I urge you to think about this question and respond, even if it only to your spouse or yourself:
Question – In what area of life has avoiding pain blocked your personal growth? How will you confront it today?
Please comment on this question or ask another question below.
