Kevin Bemel ·
How to Make Sure You Will Not Be Like Your Parents
Submariners know there is something worse than being broke. While there has not been a major submarine mishap in more than 50 years, they live with the reality that while deeply submerged the emergency klaxon could sound and the 150 or so of them on the boat may not be able to save it. Fatalistic though they may be, most are equally focused on their life direction.
Among the most common issues I hear about from the people I counsel is that they do not want to be like their parents. Does any child of the Baby Boomer and later generations want to copy his parents? It seems not. But when I examined this issue I realized my desire to not be my father (may he be remembered for blessing) was holding me back. Further, my dad had many admirable qualities, chief among them loyalty. He was positive that there is not an admiral who is a better officer than his junior officer son. I would argue the point but it would be disrespectful to my father.
The drawback of not wanting to be like someone or not wanting to be something is that such a desire only excludes a small group of options. A multiplicity of other alternatives remains. As well, merely wanting to avoid a particular character trait or behavior does not make you immune from others that are worse.
The behavior you want to shun is the center point of a circle. In which direction are you going to go to get away? Will all of them lead you to a positive alternative?
If you had an alcoholic parent, is rejecting liquor going to make you the person you want to be?
Alternatives to not being broke include being wealthy but also, G-d forbid, being sick and penniless.
From a spiritual perspective, if you have not taken the time and made the effort to plot a positive course you are not engaging with G-d as the junior partner in running your life. Would you let your work supervisor have that much control without your input? You may say you have faith that G-d will direct your life where it should go. But G-d wants to have an adult relationship with you. That includes letting Him know what you want out of life, while leaving open the possibility that He may decide you are not ready yet.
Living intentionally: have an overarching mission and purpose, a comprehensive plan, and goals to strive toward, requires that you take whatever negatives you want to avoid and use them as a guide to determine the positives you want to achieve.
Question – How do you turn avoiding certain behaviors or character traits into positive goals?
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