Kevin Bemel ·
How to Honor an Imperfect Father
You probably never met my father. Candidly he was not a great man. He struggled all his life and made many mistakes. For periods of my life I refused contact with him and rejected the idea that he had anything to teach me. But I was shortsighted to think he was, to borrow a Woody Allen joke, “so insignificant his hearse followed the other cars."
You're Responsible for Having a Relationship with Your Father
Fortunately during my first few years in the navy we strengthened our relationship. No one empathized more with my complaints about military SNAFUs, Situation Normal, All Fouled Up (or another choice term for F). During the five years since his death and the countless times I abortedly reached for the phone to get his advice, I have distilled the lessons he taught me.
- A Man Must Be a Man: When I transitioned from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts he found a troop led by tough army veterans that would kick my wimpy behind. Surviving hazing from the older scouts strengthened my character and deepened my humility. At a young age, he indoctrinated me to Sunday football while drinking one beer from a can. A man excelled in sports. His pride showed when I won a starting position on my soccer team. Even more important to him was the poise I showed when I broke my collarbone during my first and only start.
- Responsibility Earns Freedom: With my dad, privileges came after you demonstrated mature behavior. The first time my older sister damaged the car we thought my dad would kill her (no I did not root for this, she drove me too many places). But, since she had handled the situation properly he treated her like an adult. In high school I never had a curfew because I let him know my plan in advance and called before making alterations.
- Treat Women Courteously: A man opens doors for all women, not because they cannot but to demonstrate your respect for them. You do not use profanity in front of women, not because they would faint at hearing it but to demonstrate respect. Period.
- A Man’s Word is His Bond: My father knew of no snake lower than a man who broke a promise. He repeatedly related stories highlighting his father’s honesty in business.
From his lifetime of challenges and mistakes, these are a few of the axioms I distilled. They represent the character my father developed as a Boy Scout, lifeguard, firearms instructor, navy officer, engineer, businessman, husband, and father. When my sisters and I were grown and out on our own he rarely missed the chance to tell us how proud he was of how we turned out, conscientiously never taking credit for our success.
Learn from His Flaws
Did my dad always live up to these ideals? Frankly, no. Unfortunately his failures ate away at him, indirectly teaching me another principle: Learn from your mistakes and move on.
He taught me his final lesson shortly after his death when I was helping a Marine reconcile himself to his own father’s death. I realized there comes a point when a father is confident his son can handle himself and so he exits life’s stage thereby telling his son: You have the conn.
Dad: I love you, miss you, and pray you watch over me and help me as I steer this ship called my family’s life.
What did your Dad teach you?
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