Kevin Bemel ·
Here’s the Gift Your Spouse Really Wants
Too long ago for me to recall precisely when I received some marriage advice. “You will have to give much more than you ever thought you could or would,” the person told me. I always thought this meant that I had to make a maximum physical effort. Only recently did I realize how wrong I have been.
Like most married couples Melanie and I have struggled with certain issues our entire married life. Two cases in point: I am fastidious and my bride is not. We are not the Odd Couple. Well perhaps I am Felix but Melanie is not Oscar. As well, I was raised to complete a task I have begun, no matter how trivial or annoying the matter is. Despite confessing these “quirks” of character when we were dating and acknowledging they are my issues to deal with, to this day they cause friction.
Allow me to state categorically my conviction that my wife loves me and does not want to make me unhappy. Of course, if that were the case she would never leave off a task until it is done and she would consistently pick up after herself right? Notice the false equivalence here?
Her unequivocal love for me has nothing to do with how her upbringing has manifested itself in her adult life. Melanie can focus deeply on a task. But she saves such intensity for those she considers important. Besides me, who would blame her if cleaning up the kitchen does not fall into this category?
Which brings me back to the subject of giving. Like Groucho Marx’s classic song, every year my sisters and I gave my father a tie for Father’s Day. And although he professed profound gratitude for these gifts, in retrospect I suspect he was underwhelmed, to say the least. Because he loved his children, he overlooked our lack of originality in Father’s Day presents, even though he had a knack for getting us the things we wanted. He did not judge us by his ability but rather by ours.
So I have come to learn that the tremendous giving for which I am responsible is the freedom of my wife, and for that matter daughter, mother, and friends, to be who they are. Perhaps more so, it is to desist from the martyrdom that permits me to think their love and respect is somehow deficient because it is not backed up by the action that makes me comfortable. Finally, I must give thanks for the unique gifts and perspective they offer on our lives and relationships.
Such is my new year's resolution for the Rosh Hashanah just passed.
What causes you to think your spouse’s love is not as deep as he/she professes?
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