Kevin Bemel ·
Here’s How to Criticize Without Conflict
You can probably relate to this scenario. I had a touchy issue to address to my wife. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I had to find just the right approach. This week’s parsha, Shemini, explained to me how to criticize without conflict:
“Aaron spoke to Moses, ‘Did they offer their sin offering this day… If I to eat this day’s sin offering, would G-d approve?” (Vayikra/Leviticus 10:19).
This week’s parsha discusses the performance of the priestly service. Then it tells about the death of Aaron’s two sons, Nadav and Avihu. Next, it shows how Aaron handled a dispute with his brother, Moses. It ends with the laws of kosher animals, birds, fish and creeping crawling things.
How Not to Criticize
Moses and Aaron present a paradigm of how people should handle differences of opinion and misunderstandings. The difficulty arose because Moses thought Aaron’s two sons had completely burned the sin offering goat rather than eating it in a holy place.
Had they made a mistake and they would have ruined the opportunity for the Children of Israel to atone for their sins. Perturbed, Moses decided to criticize them.
When he heard what happened, Aaron spoke gently to Moses rather than lashing out for needlessly chastising his sons. He assumed his brother had forgotten the law. Aaron asked questions so that Moses would remember what G-d had commanded. Upon realizing his mistake, Moses acknowledged his brother was right. He did not use his position as leader of the Israelites to justify his error. Nor did he let his ego get the better of him.
Calm Avoids Conflict
Sometimes a person makes a mistake. He may criticize you without cause, especially if he feels the matter is very important. If you react in kind all that happens is the dispute gets worse. Each person gets entrenched in his position. The truth gets lost. Better to look beyond the person’s initial behavior. Try to understand his concern. Respond calmly and preserve the person’s dignity.
Rather than confronting my wife, I decided to ask her questions to determine if we actually differed about the issue. Once it was clear we agreed on the principles, I proposed a solution to my concern and she readily agreed. Phew, no hurt feelings.
How do you prevent or de-escalate confrontation?
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Every year beginning on Simchas Torah, the cycle of reading the Torah, the first five books of the Bible, ends and begins again. Each Sabbath a portion known as a sedra or parsha is read. Its name comes from the first significant word or two with which this weekly reading begins.
Do you have a question about the Old Testament? Ask it here and I will answer it in a future Parsha Nugget!
