Here’s a Sure Path for Handling Life’s Setbacks

Are you struggling through life? Have you lost your job? Are going through a divorce? Is a highly significant person no longer in your life? What do you do?

Even the most motivated, positive person faces reversals in life. As I approach one year since the death of my beloved dog, Jiggers, the answer to the question “what do you do” has become personal. In my work as a chaplain I see people take three approaches:

1. Stay in the state of pain. Unfortunately for some people, the pain of loss is preferable to the thought or fear that without it they will feel nothing at all. As a result, they nurture their heartache. They live the Ray Charles song If It Wasn’t for Bad Luck, I Wouldn’t Have No Luck at All. Inevitably what began as just a belief becomes a reality from which they cannot escape.


2. Ignore the pain. People who are busy and motivated often choose this route. Typically justified by a lack of time or pressing commitments they put their distress in a box, emotionally lock it, and throw away the key. Sometimes they use unhealthy behavior to proactively anesthetize potential pain. Often this method will work for a while. But it also has a tendency to ambush people when they are struck with another emotionally distressing event. Then the cumulative anguish becomes overwhelming and is even more difficult to work through.


3. Embrace the pain and work to move on. People most successful at resolving setbacks and grief are those who initially and intentionally accept heartbreak. They work to experience the relevant emotions that often accompany such events. One model, described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, is: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. By intentionally immersing in physical, mental, and spiritual grief these people typically emerge from upheaval more resilient in all three areas of their lives.

When you begin to feel emotionally spent you are probably ready to proceed with making a plan for moving beyond the incident. As your grief abates ask: what lessons have I learned? How will my life direction change? Which goals need to be altered or discarded? Create a new or revised life plan. Initially take small steps toward fulfilling it.

This process will not have a predictable ending time. However, it will substantially reduce the chances you will be caught unaware or unprepared to handle the aftermath of a loss or setback. As well, it can prevent the numbness that may lead to the permanent acceptance of pain as a way of life.

Just like you need to be intentional about planning for success, so too you need to build a backstop against the inevitable misfortunes and reversals in life. Understanding and practicing the process I have outlined on smaller hurdles will prepare you for greater challenges.

Question – What is your process for working through life’s ordeals?
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