4 Questions to Ask About Your Desires

Do you have everything you want? I bet the answer is no. Further, I bet you want some things that are not material possessions. While minimalists might excoriate me for saying so, I believe the desire for more can be very positive, even noble. Here is why.

For several years before I got married, I was quite content with my life. I had a lovely one-bedroom apartment, a cat, a few close friends, a nice car, and a fairly stress-free existence. My business was prosperous and my investments were growing. What more did I need? Then one day my rabbi asked me when I was going to get married. While friends had teased me about being single, I had to take my rabbi’s question seriously. I realized I had no good reason for not being married and within 18 months Melanie became my bride.

Life became much fuller, especially since she brought two dogs with her. We moved into a three-bedroom townhouse and got more involved with friends. My discontent with my work was not obvious to me but it was to Melanie. Three years later I was a navy chaplain and we were moving to Okinawa, Japan. In every way, Melanie’s and my desire for more: meaning, happiness, adventure, and much else has immeasurably improved our lives.

Since then I have given a lot of thought to the desire for more. There are four important questions to ask yourself about it:

1. What do you want more of? Do you want more money, a bigger house, more friends, a larger collection of toys? None of these is inherently good or bad. From the beginning of our marriage, Melanie has wanted a house of our own. To me, at the time a real estate guy, it seemed silly to be saddled with a big mortgage when the after-tax cost of renting was lower. Having been a nomad for the last seven years, Melanie’s desire looks very good these days.


2. Do you actually want greater quantity or quality? Like with the desire for more, neither one of these is innately better than the other. Having been raised by a mother who prized quality, I find it to be my default desire though for some things quantity is clearly superior. Also, I suspect when I was a kid my preferences were the reverse like my daughter’s. When choosing ice cream at the grocery store she will always take the less expensive half-gallon over the similarly priced but higher quality pint. Now if you are a Santa Barbarian like me a little McConnell’s is much better than a lot of Dreyer’s.


3. Why do you want them? To what end do you want more money, a larger house, etc.? Is it to impress others or perhaps you wish to have the tools to be more hospitable. Or like Johnny Rocko in To Have and Have Not, do you just want more? Can you be honest enough with yourself to get to the crux of this issue?


4. Most crucially, are your "whys" in accord with your values? If you feel guilty about what how much you have or that you have such nice things, perhaps your spirit is trying to tell you your behavior is contrary to your principles. A re-examination is in order.

Question – What do you want more of and why?
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