0:00 Who are you? And where are you going? What do you [Music] want? Hello and welcome to People Making Money. I'm your host, Kevin Bemel, and we're here every Wednesday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific time to talk about job hunting, building a business, and building wealth, the whole financial side of life. So, I'm back live now after a
0:36 couple days off for the Jewish holiday. I hope you enjoyed uh watching those uh classic episodes for the last couple of days. and you know didn't want have didn't want you to have to go without but it's it's nice nice to be back. So uh today's topic is is something that uh I I I've experienced myself to a certain degree. Uh, first of all, in one of my all-time favorite TV shows, so I don't know about
1:12 you, but always have been a big fan of the TV show Friends. Uh, you know, the the the it was an NBC show on from I think uh what uh 2001 until 2011 or something like that. It was on for nine or 10 years. of course the the um absolutely beautiful uh Jennifer Aniston is one of the actresses in the show. Um and uh there's there's an episode it's it's in the second season of of the show I think. I want to say
1:48 yes episode eight. It's it's called the one with the list. So, um, uh, Ross, um, Monica's brother, um, I'm going up on the name of the actor who plays Ross, uh, but he's also, uh, f fantastic actor and I understand that for much of the last couple of decades, he's been directing theater in Chicago. Uh, David Schwimmer, David Schwimmer, originally a Los Angeles. Um, anyway, he's trying to decide whether he wants to be with Rachel or Julie. Sorry, I you know, I don't know
2:25 how he could possibly be debating that that question, but that's beside the point. Anyway, the um the three uh three of the friends who are doing well, Monica, Chandler, and uh Ross, doing well financially. So, they want to go to a concert of Hoodie and the Blowfish. Now, I have no idea. You I mean, I've heard of I had heard of them, but I had no idea what they were. Anyway, the other three members of the group, Rachel, uh Phoebe, and um the one the character played by Matt
3:01 Blanc, whose name I'm going Matt Leblanc, sorry, I'm going up, Joey. Uh they are not doing well financially, so they can't afford to go and there's conflict because of that uh between the two groups of three friends. Uh, and at one point, one of them, and I believe it's Monica, says, you know, we're not going to feel guilty because we're doing well financially. Uh, and this is a phenomenon sometimes known as wealth guilt. And and so that's when I
3:38 experienced it the first time, it was actually now I take that back. This wasn't the first time I I experienced it watching that television show, but it resonated with me because when I had my uh real estate company before I joined the Navy, you know, I was doing well and uh I had always wanted to get a convertible BMW. Uh it would have been a a 3 series at that time. And I finally got to the point where I could afford it.
4:14 So, I bought this beautiful car, white uh you know, paint um gray leather uh interior with a black top and and I remember picking it up from the dealer and putting the top down and I'm driving around Los Angeles and the next morning I drive to the synagogue uh where I prayed every morning and I look around at the other cars and such. And I think myself, why did you buy such an expensive car? I mean, you should have given the money to charity and and
4:51 I felt incredibly guilty about it. And uh I ended up speaking to someone who at the time I respected um and he basically said to me, "Look, you know, you work hard. Uh you you can afford this and so there's no reason why uh you you you should feel guilty." Um, and I' I'd like to say that that solved the problem, but but but it did not. I I did feel guilty for for quite a while. Um, until the first time the car got damaged and then I felt like that was sort of, you know, cosmic payback for having gotten the
5:27 car. Um, but in any event, it's it's a real phenomenon, right? And there are many ways that it can manifest itself. And perhaps um the worst way is that it can prevent us from becoming successful, financially successful, because we don't want to risk the uh disapprobation, the the sense that our friends are jealous of us or um putting us down because we're wealthy or thinking that we're
6:04 putting them down because we can afford things that they cannot even though we're not doing so right the the psychology of this gets gets pretty complex pretty quickly as as my friend Michael likes to say and so I wanted to explore a few ideas with you on this subject of wealth guilt and if if if you are are feeling like there's some kind of resistance to you're becoming financially successful and i.e. that
6:41 it's you know the opportunity is there and for some reason you're procrastinating or you seem to be sabotaging yourself. So these may be or one of the issues may be that you you have internalized some wealth guilt and and and it's coming out in these ways of of self-sabotage. Excuse me. It's a It's a chilly day here in Los Angeles. So, I know for myself,
7:18 uh I mean, I I grew up very middle class. Uh and I love my dad. So, you know, don't don't get me wrong when I when I say this. Uh but my my dad uh coming from the sort of Wisconsin Minnesota area of the country, he had a very populist perspective to his his beliefs and his value system. And one of the beliefs that I got from him that I didn't realize until I had started my business
7:54 and I was in my kind of mid late 20s was a sense that anybody who was wealthy um had become so through nefarious means either themselves or their families from whom they inherited the money and that of course is not true. There are people who get wealthy through nefarious means. Uh but that's not by any means all people. And and even if it were, that doesn't mean that we're going to use we're going to do bad things or do
8:29 unethical things or cheat people in order to become wealthy, right? We can we can become successful while staying uh true to to our values. And so it created a weird dynamic in that I I had started my real estate company and I just I I I found that I was in essence sabotaging myself. And and when you think about it, if if I'm going to people who have who own buildings that I could potentially manage, right? By
9:04 almost by definition, those people are wealthy. And yet it in the back of my mind I'm I'm thinking of course they only have this building because they cheated somebody, right? And and that was clearly not the case, right? So my inner values were at odds with the success I was trying to achieve. And in so doing, I essentially I was I had to work through the wealth guilt I was experiencing. And and once I did that and and it it took a little while. It took me I'd say the better part of a
9:40 year and really being kind of immersed if you will among wealthy people. I I got involved with the Los Angeles Jewish Federation where a lot of the people I mean from my perspective everybody was wealthier than me although that turned out not quite to be the case but a lot of very wealthy people very successful people there especially in the real estate division which was what in what in what I was involved and I realized these were almost all of these people were good people ethical people
10:15 charitable people right they were giving tens of thousands in some cases hundreds of thousands of dollars to communal services charity along with donating their time and expertise. Uh and so my the image I got of of how people had become wealthy that I that I got from my father was was wrong. And and so like I said, I have a I have a few thoughts on this phenomenon that I want to share with you uh so that we can hopefully if if if if you are sabotaging your own
10:51 success, maybe this will help you get sort of get through um you know the you know that that that that problem, work through it and and be able to uh you know uh deal with it. Um, okay, there we go. There was a weird thing on my notes. Um, and you'll be able to to deal with it um and and and move forward uh in a better mindset that will help you become successful. Okay. So, uh you
11:26 know, why is wealth guild a problem? What can we do about it? Well, first of all, uh a as as was demonstrated in this episode of friends that I mentioned, uh being wealthier than friends and family can create a feeling of loneliness. Okay, there was a time when I was my income was higher than the combined income of all my four of my immediate family members, right? And and I was I was young. I was in my 30s and
12:02 it was just I felt very disconnected from my immediate family uh because of it. Uh especially since both my parents at the time worked for me, right? And then my older sister I think came to work for me as well or maybe it was my younger sister, right? It was it was it was very weird. It was very lonely because on the one hand I was kind of their boss but I was their child or their sibling. It it was it was very the family dynamics were were very messed up. And uh I I never really talked to my parents
12:39 about money, nor nor did I with with my sisters um unless it was they needed money and I was giving it to them kind of thing. Um, and they always and they kind of resented that. Um, you know, that that I was able to do that. And from my perspective, I just felt, well, I I'm I'm your brother. I'm obligated to help you. That's kind of the beginning and the end of it. Um, but but they kind of had they had kind of their own shtick, if you will, with with money. So, it can be very lonely when there's a wealth or an
13:15 income gap um between you and your friends and family. And it can also be a difficult thing where a friend or or you know a family member, they need help. you're in a position to offer it, but you may be reluctant to do so because they may interpret it as you lauding the fact that you are wealthier or make more money than they do over them. All these kind of dynamics. So, uh, I I think that, you know, depending on who the
13:51 people are and what the relationship is, you know, these these conversations probably need to take place and preferably take place when there isn't a financial need on the table, right? So, uh, and they can be they can be difficult, uh, and and, uh, uncomfortable, right? um with with family members. Hopefully, it's a little bit easier because there's sort of a presumption of intimacy uh uh emotional intimacy of course with with family members although there it can it can
14:27 still be difficult and with with friends uh you know again it can be it it can be tough because you know I I don't know about you but I don't discuss the details of my finances with people in general. um it's it's it's nobody's business. Uh but then when it when it is necessary, it can be difficult. And so I I you know, hold the information to what's necessary. Uh and uh I I don't know, you know, having been bitten on about this a couple of
15:02 times, I'm just very careful about um how I handle it. Nonetheless, I it it needs to be dealt with forthrightly when it needs to be dealt with, right? And and so um like any difficult conversation, I always or not always, but I do my best to preface it by saying, "I need to have a difficult conversation with you." That usually puts the person on their guard. Um and then, you know, things can proceed from there. So uh you know uh when necessary um the conversations need need to happen
15:40 and by the way one conversation won't necessarily do it. Okay. If if it most of us I think have unresolved issues around money that we got from our parents or whomever else. And it can take work to to get through them or at least to get through them, you know, visav the person with whom you're you have the relationship. So, um you know, be be thoughtful about it in the sense of think it through before you start. Uh and but then also be
16:15 open when if if the person comes back at you with something that uh you know maybe there is some truth to what they're saying even if your initial uh response is to kind of get your back up about it. Okay. So it can be lonely and and and relationships are are they are more important than money I think. uh and and so we need to push through and and and deal with the financial issues to maintain the relationship. Okay. The
16:50 next that I have is uh you may feel like you're leaving people behind. So, another aspect of success guilt comes from the sense that maybe the people you grew up with um just aren't keeping pace with you financially and as a result of the fact that you're doing better uh you've developed new friends, new relationships. And so then what do you do about those previous relationships? um do you let them kind of taper off and
17:27 die or do you do your best to maintain them and if so on on what terms? Okay. Uh look, you may be leaving the people behind and if if it's if for whatever reason the other people are making it difficult for you to maintain the relationship, it may be the right answer to kind of let those relationships lapse. That that is one option. Um and I think we need to keep in mind
18:04 every relationship has at least two people involved in it. Okay? Both people have to want to maintain the relationship for it to endure. And if one doesn't, okay, the other person isn't going to be able to maintain that relationship. that that is just the facts of of life in that in that sense. So uh it may be that the best decision is to let you know sort of leave people
18:41 behind. Okay. uh but on the other hand I wouldn't make that relationship without exploring the value that you know any particular person has in your life and the value you have in their life right and making that assessment and then talking that through with the person now of course I'm not talking about acquaintances I'm talking about people with whom you have a substantial relationship. So, you know, I I one of one of the key
19:18 signs is if you are just unable to talk about these kinds of issues with the person, then perhaps the relationship is not as close and as deep as you thought it was. Maybe it was based on something or someone that you no longer have or are. And so that alone may be the answer to the question you know do do I move on? Okay. Now the person may resent your
19:54 moving on. Okay. And if they if they reach out, so I think we need to be open to, well, maybe we assess this incorrectly, right? Maybe this person maybe I'm a bigger part of this person's life than I realized. Okay? Maybe this person is a bigger part of my life than I realized. Okay? So, uh, you know, again, these are complex questions. There's no pat answer to them. But the sense that we may leave
20:30 people behind, our our high school friends or our college friends, we may be leaving them behind could be holding us back. And it shouldn't. It's just we need to be aware of this potent the potential for this dynamic and and deal with it consciously rather than let it sort of fester in the back and have its impact on us uh despite what we otherwise are looking to accomplish in our life. Okay, so uh that's number two. Number three, um we may feel pressure to
21:06 share or fix things. Okay. Now th this is my thing. I guarantee you. Okay. And and this this dynamic played out with me in my family. I I mentioned both my parents worked for me at one time. By the way, they were divorced, okay, and had been divorced for quite a long time. Um both of my sisters at at various times worked for me and and on the one hand um you know they were grateful for the
21:42 income. On the other hand on some level I think there was some resentment there as as well. uh and and so you know family dynamics can can be difficult and I think we have to keep in mind that just because we have financial resources or greater financial resources than someone else that doesn't mean a we're obligated to share the money or fix things or b that we should okay maybe on
22:17 some level because they're a family member, we there is some obligation there, but it may not be the best thing to go in and fix things. So I um don't want to get into a personal example in this case because uh you know not a right thing to just to disclose this but uh so oh here okay so uh when I was in the Navy as a chaplain u many times especially younger sailors would come to me because their chief petty officer had told them to and and
22:54 said you you need to go talk to the chaplain. and and what's up shipmate kind of thing. And they'd say, "Well, um I think I'm going to get kicked out of the Navy." And like why? I said, "Well, my chief says I'm not doing my job." What's going on that your chief thinks you're not doing your job? Well, there's big problems back home and I'm trying to help and you know, sending them money and all of that and and I I find it hard to concentrate at work. Well, okay, got it. But how and I would ask them, how is losing your job gonna help out, you know, these other people?
23:29 So, it may not be the right thing for you to do to fix things. It may be that the people who are having challenges, you can support them emotionally while they work out the solution themselves and they have that opportunity to grow to grow emotionally, to grow in resilience, to grow professionally maybe. Okay. All you know when when we come in and fix things, especially when we come in and and you know put money there. Okay. that
24:05 ca that it bails people out, but that may not be the best thing for their long-term well-being because they're not able to take care of themselves as effectively. Okay, so the pressure to share things or fix things can oftenimes lead to more problems than it solves. Okay, but it is it is a facet of wealth wealth guilt that oh, I have the money. I I I need to take care of this. I need to help. Okay, look at the circumstances very carefully. Okay. Are you holding back the person's ability to take care of himself rather
24:40 than really helping? Okay. And by the way, uh is is the person maybe the person is the baby of the family where the person has always been helped out by others, right? And that's why they've stayed the baby of the family, but now the baby of the family is, you know, is in his 30s. Is this really a good thing for him? You know, almost for sure not. Okay. So when you're feeling pressure to share or fix things, take a step back. Is this really what you should be doing? Okay. Uh the another aspect of wealth guilt is
25:17 success may be met with resentment. Okay. Now there are people who will resent you for being financially successful and and and this is uncomfortable to experience that resentment. Wait, I I I worked hard. Okay, I maybe I got lucky somewhat too. I had some I had some, you know, good breaks along the way, but but why are you resenting me? You know, I didn't come at your expense, but some people do. Okay. Especially if the person has
25:52 had some bad breaks and and and they have a chip on their shoulder because of the fact that they haven't gotten the good breaks that you got or or that anyway that's their perception. And in these things, perception can oftentimes be different than reality, but it doesn't it doesn't matter a whole lot because the person is acting based on how they perceive the situation rather than the reality of the situation. And you can sit down and talk with a person and and try and help them see reality, but it can be very very
26:27 difficult, especially if someone is resentful. And it can be again very uncomfortable to experience that resentment. And so the desire not you maybe we witnessed somebody acting resentfully toward a mutual friend who was successful and we start thinking I don't want to be treated like that. Right? that can be uh sort of a basis for the desire for us to hold to sabotage ourselves or hold back our own pursuit of success. Right? Some
27:04 people are going to be resentful. Okay? Now, maybe the person who's ex, you know, who's who's acting resentfully in h did indeed suffer some bad breaks. Okay? Maybe they were cheated by someone and they they lost their business or something like that. Okay. And so you may even say, "Well, uh there's some justification for their resentfulness." Okay? But did you cheat them? Okay. But by the way, if you did,
27:39 then then you need to go fix it, right? I mean, if someone is resenting our success because we did something bad to them, we need to fix that. That's just the bottom line. Okay? But assuming we weren't the source of of of whatever they you know whatever has caused them to be resentful. Okay, we can perhaps help them work through the resentment. Okay, but that doesn't mean that we should hold our own success back
28:14 in order not to be resented. Okay. All right. So, uh, success may be met with resentment and and we've got to to work that through. By the way, it can it can happen on a small bank like let's say you're you're, you know, you have a colleague at your company. You were given an opportunity, a great opportunity maybe to head up a project and someone else thinks that they should have gotten that opportunity and they and they're jealous of you. They start acting resentfully. They may even be trying to undermine you, right? And in order to keep sort of harmony in
28:49 the workplace, you sabotage your success with that project. Wow. You know what good have you done anybody? You certainly haven't done yourself any good. You have not done the company any good. And for that person who's jealous, you haven't done them any good either. Okay? You're not being successful is not necessarily going to help them out. Okay? By the way, your supervisor may be more clued in than you think he is. Okay? So, if the person is acting jealously or resentfully toward
29:25 you and your assumption is that the supervisor doesn't see that, uh don't don't be so sure that they don't see it. Okay? People are more transparent. We're most of us are more transparent than we think we are. And if you're feeling resentment or jealousy, okay, talk to your supervisor about it. How do I handle this? How do I make sure that I'm doing my best for the company, for the organization in light of this person feeling jealous, resenting me, maybe even trying to undermine me. I
30:00 don't I don't want to cause them harm. Is can something be done? Can you help me make them an ally? rather than someone resentful of the opportunity for success that I've been given. Okay. So, a little kind of, you know, spiritual jiu-jitsu, I call it, right? Turn resentment into opportunity for the other person as well. Okay. Uh All right. So, and just going to take a break, a sponsor break here. Here we go. When life brings unexpected changes, managing inherited property
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31:16 magnumprops.com. So now getting back to our discussion of wealth guilt and I talked about several things. It can be lonely. It can make you feel like you're leaving people behind. You may feel pressure to share your your wealth or your income or to fix things and you you may be met with jealousy and resentment. Okay. So as you know as a result of these things you may be tempted to downplay your success to the point where it becomes a habit. Okay. Now we certainly don't want to flaunt our success. Uh but by the and
31:54 and by the same token, if if we're successful and we can afford nicer clothes or a nice car or whatever or or a nice house, there's no reason not to ha to have those things if you can afford them simply because you don't want to be the object of resentment. Okay? And so uh you know and and and it does it does become a habit. Okay. So it's a challenge to to be comfortable when when we achieve financial success
32:32 especially if we didn't grow up with it. Now for people who who grew up with it they they generally speaking are better able to handle it. And and this is why by the way you see with uh you know like people in the media business they they become you know fabulously successful whereas before they you know they very very you know modest life and they do all kinds of crazy things. They get involved with drugs or whatever. they spend all their money and then they end up, you know, losing it all or they they
33:07 um they get they get a a business manager who turns turns out to be unscrupulous and steals the money from them. All of these things come from not being experienced with wealth and uh we end up you know allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of. uh and and and and so uh you know rather than risk such things we downplay our success right we hide it from other people okay now that's not again that's not to say you
33:42 should flaunt it and if it if it's you know your natural sense to be modest and you don't have a desire for an expensive car fine right I know I know someone who uh he his goal was he wanted to get wealthy enough that he could afford to buy a Bentley, right? Okay. I mean, I have no desire to ever own a car like a Bentley or a Rolls-Royce or or a Ferrari. It's just it's I mean I I like like I said I I
34:19 loved having that convertible BMW. Uh but the reason was because of the memories it brought to me uh of of someone in my life who had a similar car and and driving through Napa together in the car and and the wonderful conversations we had and the the the fun places we visited. So for me it was more a sentimentality that connected me to the car than it was the fact that a convertible BMW was a you know fairly expensive car right so that's not to say we need to
34:56 develop a taste for expensive things if we don't have them fine if you don't have them you don't have them right but uh on the other hand if you if there are some nice things that you want like or desire to have and and now you can afford them, then you shouldn't downplay your success. Go ahead and have them, you know, and and and take the opportunity to grow yourself so that you have uh you become a a a more multifaceted person, I think, is the
35:31 best way to put it. Okay. Along with downplaying your successes, you might start second-guessing your spending, right? This this was this was me in the example I gave you when I bought that convertible BMW, right? When I bought it and and I get in it and the smell of the you know, new leather and the new car smell and uh you know, I had my uh my time CD player, you can tell how long ago this was. This is back in the 90s, right? And I'm I'm frankly blasting, you know, the Beach Boys because it's
36:06 Southern California as I'm driving with the top down. And and so, you know, that picking the car up from the dealer, it was great. And then within a day or so, I I I started thinking like, why did I buy this expensive car, right? I I I should have used the money in a different way, right? And and so, you know, having, you know, convinced yourself that it's okay to have something nice, something expensive, you go get it, now you have it, and it triggers guilt, right? Or you
36:41 may see people looking at you with it and thinking you you you maybe you see some jealousy in their eyes or something like that. Or like I did, I drove to my synagogue where a lot of the cars were not nearly as nice. And I'm thinking to myself, "Wow, I have much nicer car than all these people. Why did I do this?" Right? Well, the reason I did it was because I could afford it. And and and it was it was you know the the by the way long term the car brought me a lot of pleasure. I I I really enjoyed having that car. So uh you know the these are
37:17 the various issues with which we have to deal. But um and by the way, you know, you may you may second guess your spending and decide, you know, it really was a mistake to buy this. Okay, so now you've learned something. You've grown, right? We all make mistakes. Okay, so don't beat yourself up for the mistakes. Don't allow wealth, guilt, wealth, guilt, sorry, to to overtake you. Learn
37:53 and grow and and move forward a little more confidently knowing that, okay, I I you know, I've I've I've learned better the constraints I need to put on myself now that I'm at a different level financially. Okay? But don't let it don't let it undermine your success or your you know emotional well-being. Okay. Um for sure your relationship with money is going to
38:29 become more complex. So first of all just having to deal with with with money you know it doesn't take care of itself. Okay. So I think I certainly had the sense that once I started uh earning you know more money or a lot of money life was going to become easier. That is not the case. I've never spoken to anyone who's fin who has become financially successful who found
39:04 that life became easier. What happened was or is what happens is the challenges of life change. Okay? But life is still challenging. Okay? That that's just that's just the bottom line. And so um you know having met some financial goals. Okay. So now we're no longer you know uh um eager to meet our goals. Now we need we're at this level. Now it becomes the the anxiety if you will
39:41 comes from I now I'm at this level. I've got to stay at this level. Right? Because falling back feels like failure. Right? And so now I have abundance. Now I need to be generous. Where are the boundaries? Um should I feel proud that I've achieved this or are people making me feel like I should be ashamed of it? So the whole relationship we have with money changes as our financial success grows. Okay? And by the way, success, right? It's not a a one-way trip. Some there's success and then it goes down
40:17 and then it may come up again and then it may go down again, right? So we need to learn to deal with the ups and downs of financial success and as well as possible maintain a sound emotional framework, a sound spiritual framework and be able to live within our means. Okay? uh and and deal with all of these other issues that I've mentioned already uh so that we can continue to maintain our relationships uh pursue our goals,
40:55 deal with the setbacks that we've uh encountered, right? All of this is and all of this all of these are parts of the relationship we have with money. Okay? So, you know, don't kid yourself into thinking that your problems will be solved when you become financially successful. Your problems will change, but they're still going to be there. Okay. All right. Next. Um, so um so financial ad most of us get financial advice. We may get it from our
41:31 family members. We may get it from friends. We may get it from a financial advisor, right? And now and now our financial system has ch our financial situation has changed. And that the financial advice we may have been getting may not apply to us anymore. Okay? So look, if your goal is to have a net worth of I'll just pick a number, $4 million. Okay? and up and and and and you know your your financial plan has been to always
42:09 every month set a little money aside to invest or save or whatever. Okay. And and and then you know some big project you're working on comes through or you sell your business and now you got your $4 million, right? Well, that advice about saving a little bit of money each month maybe isn't necessary anymore because now you've met your financial goal. You your net worth goal. And so now the financial advice you need is okay, how do I use the wealth that I have in order to take the next step in
42:47 my life? Okay. And the people who have been giving you advice up until now, they may not be able to make that paradigm shift, okay, and help you in the next stage of your financial journey, okay? So, this kind this can tie into, you know, the the the leaving people behind thing. Well, you know, I'm not going to drop my financial advisor. He's been with me all these years, and now now that I've I've met my goal, I I can't I can't let him go. but he may not be the right person to help you on the next stage. Okay? And and if he's not, then
43:24 you're not doing him or yourself any favors by hanging in there. Okay? Maybe you'll what was a professional relationship will turn into just a friendship and you need somebody new to help you with financial advice. Okay? But make sure that whatever financial advice you're getting is relevant to the context of your life and it's not holding you back from achieving the goals that you've set for yourself. Okay? Uh and and there is a
43:59 tendency to do that. Oh, he'll think I've become, you know, too big for my britches, as we used to say, because I've got to find somebody else. Well, okay, he may think that, but that doesn't mean that just because he thinks it that it's true. People think all kinds of things that turn out to be uh untrue. And in the end, we have to take the responsibility of doing the right thing for ourselves or ourselves and our families uh our family. and and and so um you know changing financial advisors may be
44:36 the right decision even though it's it'll be a tough conversation to have with somebody. Okay. Another thing that often times I don't know about oftentimes but sometimes holds people back is they are afraid of changing right who am I going to become if I become wealthy am I going to become like that jerk who you know is is always talking about how much money he has that I and I find that so obnoxious I don't want to be like that and and that
45:13 becomes comes essentially we create that reality by sabotaging ourselves. Okay. Now we should be concerned that uh becoming wealthy or or getting a high income will change us. Yeah, we we should be concerned about that. Okay. But there's a difference between being concerned and being worried. We should be concerned in the sense of okay, how am I going to grow and adapt to my new circumstances while staying true to my
45:49 values? How am I going to do that? That's what I that's what we should be concerned with. If we're worrying about it though, we're letting it hamper our life. We're letting it hamper our relationships, and that's that's not a good thing. Okay. So, uh, be concerned about the changes. Thinking about think about them. Hopefully, as you're pursuing this journey toward wealth, you're meeting some people who are head ahead of you in terms of achieving what you're looking
46:24 to accomplish. And they can they can help you talk with them about it, right? develop the kind of relationships where they will feel comfortable sharing with you some of the challenges that they faced and and how they met those challenges. They may have made mistakes and you can learn from those mistakes and not repeat and not make them yourself. Okay? And you can learn from their successes as well. Living through things isn't the only way to learn. In fact, I you know that may be the least best way or the worst way to you know to
47:00 learn something is to have to experience it ourselves. If we can learn lessons from people who have experienced things and and and grow without the pitfalls that would certainly be better. So, by all means, be concerned about how wealth and and or a large income may change you, but take the steps to stay in touch with yourself. Learn how you can maintain your integrity and your sense of self as you grow financially
47:35 uh and and and and set the worries aside. And finally, uh, as we grow financially, and and I've I've talked about this, uh, at the beginning, we're really we really may find ourselves in a situation where we're really forced to have some tough conversations and really examine or re-examine our boundaries. And these are difficult things to do. It's difficult to contemplate, let alone leave behind someone who for whatever
48:10 reason uh we've concluded is is is has become a negative influence on our life or on the life of our family. That's a tough decision to make and it's an even tougher conversation to have with someone. Imagine saying to someone, look, we've been friends a long time. I I I I I was hopeful that as I became more financially successful, our relationship would continue and grow. And honestly, all I've gotten from you the last year is resentment and jealousy. And that that's that's I I
48:46 can't deal with that anymore. I I I I shouldn't have to apologize to you for my becoming successful or having greater success than you did or than you have. Right. I worked hard. I' I've been honest and um if you disagree with that, okay. Um but I I I don't see how we can maintain our relationship with the the the the kind of resentment that I get from you. That's a very tough conversation to
49:21 have. Okay. But you're you you you're going to need to probably going to need to have at least some, you know, some conversations like that. You may have to set some boundaries, okay? And and other people may not like the boundaries you set. They may resent them. Again, they may be jealous of them. Nonetheless, for your own uh mental health, for the well-being of your family, okay, having tough conversations, setting new boundaries is
49:56 necessary. It's what we have to do. And the fear of having to do so shouldn't cause us to not want to pursue financial success if that's our goal. So the contemplation of these sort of challenges, problems uh that that that come with becoming wealthy or earning a big income. We shouldn't let the fear of them hold us back and we shouldn't let
50:36 them destroy or impede the the sense of satisfaction that we we otherwise would have because we've achieved our financial goals or at least some of our financial goals. Okay. Like every change in life, wealth is an opportunity for us to learn and grow, to build our relationships, make them stronger. Okay? But anytime growth is going on, there's always the chance that
51:13 some things are going to break, right? when we were kids going through a growth growth spurt and we uh you know outgrew our clothes, we put them on and they ripped because they no longer fit or we experienced some aches and pains because our bodies were growing so fast, right? Growth doesn't come easy and growth in our financial well-being is not going to come easy uh easil is is not going to come easily either. Okay. So the better prepared we can be to deal with the various aspects
51:49 of it, the less chance there is that we'll be held back by wealth guilt and the greater chance that we'll deal with it well and maintain what is I would argue is the most important type of wealth that we can have in this life and that is a wealth of of strong relationships. So, I thank you for joining me today. And if you have any thoughts, comments, criticisms, links to the social media will be in uh the show notes after the episode posts on
52:24 YouTube. I welcome them. Uh let's see. Tomorrow, Thursday at 5:00 PM Pacific time is my show, Jiggers's Place. It's a chance for us as the week is coming to an end to sit back, relax, have a cocktail, and talk about all the non-financial aspects of life. We're going to be I'm going to be talking about the 36 dramatic situations as described by George Py. And I I think you'll find this quite interesting. So, and I I think the
53:00 cocktail I designed is called the PY. So, if you want to get the cocktail recipes, uh, please sign up for my email list and you'll you'll get them the morning before Jiggers's Place, which happens every other Thursday, 5:00 PM, uh, Pacific time. And then next week on Monday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific time, is my show uh, uh, Trust and Estates Weekly. My guest is Lisa McCarly and she's gonna be talking about planning for incapacity. So, join me for my conversation with
53:36 Lisa. On Tuesday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific time is my show, Business Lessons from the Military. My guest is a veteran friend of mine, uh, Darren Burrell. And then one week from today, we'll at on Wednesday at 10 a.m. Pacific time, we'll be back. I'll be back for the next edition of People Making Money. So, thanks again for joining me. Wishing you a wonderful rest of the day and signing off as I always do. Marie Darling, you are