0:03 Who [music] are you? And where are you going?
0:10 >> [music]
0:11 >> What do you want? Hello and welcome to Jigger's This Place. I'm your host Kevin Bemel and I'm here every other Thursday at 5:00 p.m. for a cocktail and a schmooze. So, if you watch any of my other shows, that's how I always talk about Jigger's This Place. And uh it's it's getting toward the end of the week here, Thursday afternoon. And so, it's uh time to relax a little bit, uh have something to drink and talk about things other than
0:46 finances. Um one of the reasons I do this toward the end of the week is I'm hopeful to maybe spark some thoughts in in you that as you head into the weekend, you're around friends and family, and you know, looking for, you know, conversation topics or looking to connect with people, I I I raise topics that I I I hope are not confrontational in the way, for example, that politics seems to be in in in our day and age and things that we can
1:21 explore together and things that we can topics over which we can draw closer rather than uh pushing uh you know, pushing other people away. So, my topic today is fantasy and reality. And in honor of that, I'm making a cocktail called Between Worlds. And it it it when we get into the topic, you'll you'll I think you'll understand why. Uh my co-cocktail designer and I came up with that this drink and the main thing
1:56 is I wanted to use got lavender lemon lemon simple syrup when I was out shopping a few weeks ago and I wanted to use it in a cocktail. So this is yeah, this is kind of a riff on a martini. I think a vodka martini anyway. So I'm going to be using my my rack vodka here. This is Smirnoff. It's it's just a great vodka. You know, the thing about vodka is it's it's colorless. It's tasteless. It's typically you know, distilled multiple times. So you know, people say,
2:33 "Oh, I can tell you know, Grey Goose from Finlandia." I I hope not because it's not made very well if that's the case. And then some some dry vermouth. I'm going to be using Cinzano. I've got some fresh lemon juice. I have my lavender lemon simple syrup. This is Royal Rose. And some oops, some orange bitters. And I have a little lemon twist here. I have my any any cocktail that I make where I can use a nicker nicker nicker nora glasses always a fun thing. So I got my shaker of ice here. We're going to start out with
3:08 two ounces of vodka. And you know, the thing about vodka is because it has no taste, you can use it as the base really for anything that you want to do. I have at times used it even to poach salmon with some nice herbs. And because the vodka doesn't lend any flavor but the the alcohol I think is is good for for for the uh for not really tenderizing the fish but
3:44 for sort of getting the the glaze or not the glaze, the flavors into the fish. Okay, and then let's see, 3/4 of an oz of of uh the lavender syrup, lavender lemon syrup. Okay, so we put that in. Oops. There we go. And I think 3/4 of an oz of fresh lemon juice, yeah. Put that in.
4:20 And let's see, what do we have next? We've got some 1/2 oz of dry vermouth. You can see this is a pretty typical you know, if if we were making a martini, it would just be vodka and vermouth. Dry vermouth, of course, makes a dry martini. Okay, and then a couple of dashes of orange bitters. And we're going to shake it up. So, you can see the shaker is already looking kind of frosty, that's good. Of course, we're doing this not just to
4:55 chill the ingredients, but also to let some of the ice melt. You get the water brings out the flavors, so I always make it a point to mention that because it seems like, "Well, you don't want to water down." Yeah, you want it watered down the liquor a little bit. Ooh, this is nice and frosty now. And if you've ever seen the movie Cocktail with uh Tom Cruise, you know, the bartenders there do all kinds of fancy stuff. I do not, because I can't. I would just make a mess. Okay, and then we're going to go ahead and
5:31 pour strain this into the glass. They say to double strain it. Uh you know, we don't have to be that uh particular. And then uh just a a little uh bit of soda water here to give it some fizz. And going to put a twist of lemon. I did not get a uh sprig of lavender. I'm going to drop that in there cuz I love lemon. Let's give this a try. Wow.
6:06 You know what? That's nice for a summer day. Okay, I'll see you over on the couch.
6:39 >> [snorts]
6:40 >> So, here we are. Uh Got my got my spherical pillow.
6:50 >> [laughter] [snorts]
6:52 >> And uh uh So, we're in the midst of the uh Jewish fall holidays. Monday was Yom Kippur. And Friday night starts uh Sukkot or Sukkah. Uh where we we're supposed to lay shave the Sukkah, which is kind of live in the Sukkah. Um a lot of people have their meals in the Sukkah. Some people pray in the Sukkah. Some people even sleep in the Sukkah. Um so uh it's it's it's that time of year. Now, here in LA, it's really hot. It's supposed to be um into the low 90s next
7:28 week, uh which is pretty hot for being outside, so um but I'm I'm fortunate enough to have um properly working air conditioning, so it's nice and and cool in here. So, I wanted to into this idea of uh fantasy and reality. Uh it's one of those things that it seems to be more prominent today than ever before. Although, I'm I'm not I'm not sure that that's the case.
8:06 Everything seems to be magnified by social media and how much we hear about these things. And I I think they may cause us to believe that something is more prominent today than it's ever been, but it it it I think it's also per- perhaps it's perhaps the case that it's just we hear about it a lot more today than we did before. We hear about so many things today
8:41 than that, you know, we just used to never hear about and and [snorts] even if they were being published, it was a lot easier to ignore them. So, I know there are huge sort of fantasy universes, the metaverses, and the this verses, and the that verses. And uh you know, I I I will say that we know when I was a kid, uh my friends and I certainly created other worlds.
9:18 Um I I think I've always had a pretty robust imagination. Uh one of my favorite stories when I was uh probably a pre-teenager, is was um The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Um if you if for those of you who read it, you'll know "tocka tocka tocka". That was that was a That was part of the the story's that sound. And um it was all about this grown man who had
9:53 a very robust fantasy life about who he might be because his real life was was rather drab. And that that story very much captivated my attention.
10:15 >> [snorts]
10:15 >> So, I I think there are some people who feel that engaging in fantasy is wrong. It's a bad thing to do. And then there are other people I think who would say that we should never have to deal with reality. We should be able to live out our fantasies.
10:45 >> [snorts]
10:46 >> And you know, those of you who are regular watchers of the show, you you you probably can guess I don't think either one of those are are are a particularly healthy approach to life. So, I think a life that dwells at times in both those realms is the best life that we can live. So, reality it gives us grounding. And
11:22 fantasy it it it gives us a sense of what's possible. And I think we need both. There are definitely times when we need to be firmly grounded in reality. But a life lived only grounded in reality this sort of materialistic life I I I I I think is a very sterile way to live.
11:57 And we need to let our minds run free, engage in the fantastic, the fantasy uh in order to give us some a sense of the the joys that life might hold for us. On the other hand, to live a life solely in the fantasy world
12:33 I I think it's to essentially set ourselves up for disappointment. Because a lot of fantasies cannot come true. Okay? Physics as we know it does not permit for time travel, for example. Uh and you know, for for people who are my age I don't maybe we would be able to, you know, travel to Mars, maybe. You know, but are we going to see the kind of space travel in shows like Star Trek or Star Wars?
13:12 Probably not. I mean, sad to say, I'd like to think that someday these, you know, fantasy movies, science fiction fantasy movies uh you know, what what what they present will end up happening. But, you know, it's it's going to happen in the next 50, 60 years. Mhm. I I I suppose it's possible, but, you know, I'm not I'm not counting on it. And I'm not going to live my life
13:47 in a way that if it doesn't happen, I'm disappointed. And I think that's one of the aspects about fantasy. If we live solely in the fantasy realm, we're we're we're almost for sure going to be disappointed. And And that disappointment can come on two levels. W- First of all, we can be disappointed that our fantasies don't come true. But, we can also be disappointed because sometimes our fantasies do come true. Sometimes they can even
14:23 come true very much along the lines that we fantasized, but those fantasies having become a reality, they leave us feeling very empty. So, I think that it's good to have fantasies that we know will never be realized, that remain in the realm of fantasy, uh to give us that place on occasion to escape to it.
15:01 And relieve ourselves from the cares, the anxieties, the aggravations of of the real world. the world. Mhm. So, the world of reality, it deals with things like time and money, work and responsibility, relationships and having to deal with other people's needs,
15:37 >> [snorts]
15:37 >> aging and the change that happens over the years, and commitments and consequences for not fulfilling those commitments. So, on the other hand, engaging with reality, it helps us to develop good judgment, to be re- responsible people, to mature, to be resilient,
16:14 and it helps us to distinguish from those things that maybe we wish for them, but, you know, maybe don't really want. We just want those things to stay as wishes. So, fantasy in its part, so, it asks what could be? Right? What do I really want in life?
16:49 What might my life become? And what would I choose for myself if limitations disappeared? So, in in in this time in human history in the United States, where most of the societal guardrails have been removed, the question of what do I want my life to be and what does success look like?
17:25 It requires, I think, engaging in some imagination and some fantasizing. And I think if we were to exclude those aspects of ourselves from our definition of success that we really have created for ourselves small lives. And and that's that's really a shame.
18:00 So we can engage that Now, there I think there are healthier and less healthy ways uh to engage in fantasy. So, we can have dreams and daydreams, you know, fiction and storytelling, art, music, plays, you know, mythology even. And sometimes we can make these
18:36 fantasies a part of our life, but I think they're valuable even if we don't. So, one of the I remember I I I I don't I I've talked about this on the episode uh of of Jigger's Place where I talked about Downton Abbey. So, I was captivated by by that show. And the the sort of beauty and grace of the life that the
19:12 that uh Lord Grantham and his family lived at Downton Abbey, it really just caught my fancy. And what you know, look, not an English lord, you know, not an aristocrat, not going to live in the, you know, 1910s and '20s, uh but one of the I took a little piece of that fantasy because that's that's really what that show was. That show was fantasy. I took a little piece of it,
19:48 dressing for dinner once a week, um in my case not white tie but black tie, and I brought that into my life. And it's brought some beauty and grace to my life. So, there's a bigger fantasy out there that will never become reality, but I was able to take a piece of it in order to make my life better. And that I think is is a great way
20:24 to approach fantasy. You know, use it as a source for just maybe tweaks on our lives that make them better. So, I think the the the the challenges are that that reality without fantasy it it it becomes like like life is just an exercise in maintenance, right? Obligations, practicalities, expectations, survival. Look, these are all important things.
21:00 But if that is all we have in life, it's a very, very sterile life. And it's a very small life. Whereas you know, reality is is I mean sorry, fantasy is imagining that something is easier than it is, easier than building it. It's it's it can become more emotionally satisfying than real life could ever be.
21:37 And and we can fall in love with a fantasy. We can fall in love with sort of an imaginary future, imaginary relationships, and and sort of idealized versions of ourselves and other peoples and other people. And I think I think that is that's a real danger, especially in our relationships. Right? The idea that you know, every man is going to marry, you know, a woman as beautiful as Jennifer Aniston. Not going to happen. First of all, only one only one Jennifer Aniston.
22:10 >> [laughter]
22:12 >> You know, second of all, uh the Jennifer Aniston we see is not the Jennifer Aniston of real life. And to for someone who would actually be in a relationship with her, to expect her to be the woman she is when she's acting, I think would be a crushing burden for her to carry. Right?
22:47 And so, I think in relationships, we the fantasy aspect of them can come in in how we speak to one another, the things we do together, the emotions we try to develop between each other. And And it should not be a sort of idealized picture of what we look like, how we behave all the time, you know, that that sort of thing.
23:25 So, the goal, I think, should be fantasy in conversation with reality. Mhm. So, fantasy can say, "I want adventure." And reality will ask, "Well, what would I have to risk or change in order to get that adventure?"
24:02 So, fantasy says, "I want extraordinary love." And reality asks, "Can I practice vulnerability and patience and loyalty and compromise with an imperfect person?" By the way, the people who achieve extraordinary extraordinary love, they are able to do that with an imperfect person. The goal of extraordinary love
24:38 should be to love the other person not in spite of, but because of their imperfections. To love their imperfections as much as you love the other parts of them. If they were perfect, we could never be with that person. So, fantasy imagines the masterpiece, right? And reality requires sitting down and
25:15 actually creating it. It's good to have the the goal of the masterpiece out there, but that's got to be backed up with the day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute effort to improve our lives, to embrace all the good things that could potentially bring our life closer to the fantasy that we have. So, fantasy provides direction,
25:51 and reality provides the to conditions through which we can actually accomplish moving in that direction. So, I think there's a tendency to believe that fantasy enriches our lives, and reality uh
26:27 detracts from them. All right, so there's this word out there. I mean, it's been out in our society now for I think a number of years. Um I hear it sometimes, "Oh, I have to adult today." What a shame. The opportunity to behave as an adult, I think is one of the things that brings the sweetness to the fantasy we bring into our lives.
27:03 When we were children playing make-believe games, all these things it was it was a fantastic experience. Now we get to choose maybe with another person, maybe with our our spouse, our wife, your you know, wife, husband to consciously engage in some kind of fantasy together. And I don't mean purient fantasies, I mean
27:40 you know dressing up in black tie and a cocktail dress for a wedding anniversary and going to a restaurant and have people come to your table to say, "Oh, you look so beautiful." A note, that actually happened to me.
28:02 >> [laughter]
28:05 >> Yes, I I know. How could I end up divorced? That's that's life. C'est la vie, as the French say. So the the experience, the actual experiences we have in the world of reality they they point to us. They give us the opportunity to
28:41 feel fantasy coming true. On Friday nights, when I I'm tying my my bow tie with my tuxedo. Yes, I don't have a valet who does that. Um the reality of living that little piece of fantasy is so it just it it brings in an
29:16 extra [clears throat] layer of joy to life. And so th- this is why I think it's important to have this conversation between fantasy and reality. So uh two useful questions. I have these written down. Ask fantasy, "What are you showing me? What from my I don't know, subconscious from the subtotal of my experiences
29:52 during life throughout my life what are you bringing together that you think will delight me?" And then ask reality, "What is actually possible? And what am I willing to do about it?"
30:30 Right? If you want great love, are you willing to be a person who loves greatly. If you want to travel the world, can you buckle down for part of each year and work hard and work effectively and build a company where you make a lot of money or work for another company where
31:07 you help them make a lot of money so you'll earn the resources it takes to then go travel? What will you do about it? So, life I think can be a sort of spiral cycle. When I say a spiral cycle because once we start this, I think we can evermore elevate our lives. So, imagine.
31:43 See seek to see the possibilities beyond the present. And then confront reality. Understand the circumstances and the limitations and the consequences of embracing some or maybe all of what you just imagined. And then choose. So, decide
32:18 how much of that imagination, that fantasy are actual possibilities that are worth pursuing. So, and translate that that imagination into actual behavior. Okay? And then discover what actually happens.
32:54 And allow those experiences to reshape you. So that you can start again in imagination. So I'll give you an example. I have this imagination of myself as someone who's conversant in French. I I've Since I was in junior high school, I just have always had this fantasy, although I think there's some reality to it that that French is the most beautiful romantic language out there.
33:31 And I let it just sort of sit as a fantasy for decades. But then uh about 8 years ago when I was when the Navy sent me to Germany, I'm in Europe and I decided I'm going to work on my French. And I started studying my vocabulary. I actually worked with a a French teacher. And one day I was in uh I think it was Cologne. And I went to a news vending stand. I
34:07 had a a beret kind of hat on. And I wanted I I think I bought a bag. I don't remember why. And uh and I the I I'm not sure why. But the the vendor who was German, he said uh "Oh, vous êtes français?" "Oui, oui, je suis français." "Oh, d'accord, d'accord." Right, we
34:42 ended up having this, you know, little conversation in French, and I thought, "This is what it is. This is the fantasy coming true, to be mistaken for a Frenchman."
34:53 >> [laughter]
34:54 >> And you may say, "Oh, come on, that's that's just silly." Okay, maybe. Uh, I I hope I would never call any of your fantasies silly. But that's it, there was some some joy there that I could inhabit this fantasy world for just couple of moments. And, uh, it, you know, it's it's stuck with me ever since. And it's
35:29 it's part of what has uh, impelled me to continue my French studies, you know, to this day. I study French every day. Now I study Spanish, too, because I work with some ladies who are native Spanish speakers, and I want to be a I, you know, I see the beauty of Spanish as well. I want to be able to talk with them and speak with them in Spanish, as well. So, just some some thoughts to carry with you into the weekend. Fantasy keeps
36:05 reality from being a prison. And reality keeps fantasy from being a hiding place. So, living a life in conversation with the two seems to me to be the best of both worlds. So, I say cheers. Thank you for
36:40 joining me here at Jigger's Play Jigger's is place. To all my Jewish friends out there, I wish you a a hug sameach, a happy holiday, a lovely sukkas with family and friends. And look forward to sharing a cocktail and schmooze with you again in a couple of weeks. Thank you so much for joining me. And that just leaves me to sign off as I always do. Marie darling, you are my bell.
37:15 Courage at all times, my friends.