0:00 excellent it's pretty full okay you got two hands yeah i'm gonna try this right now cheers what are one or two things that we as parents can start doing right now it is so hard and i wish i know knew then when i was raising my kids what i know now how do we know when it may be time to seek out professional help who are you and where are you going [Music]
0:37 what do you want together we'll find the ideal path on the way to wow show with your host kevin bemel welcome to the way to wow show my guest this week is cheryl hirsch a certified parent coach who draws on a wealth of experience from being a school teacher a principal as well as a parent herself she has an mba as in non-profit management and a master's in education she puts the well-being and social emotional
1:13 adjustment of her clients at the very heart of her work in addition to her formal education she's gone through programs at the ojai foundation conscious discipline and the parent coaching institute cheryl's going to be talking to us all the way from austin texas where she lives with her rescue dog marty and believe me i know rescue dogs but before we talk with her we're going to talk with katie o'donnell who's making her third appearance here on the way to wow show we're gonna have a cocktail because i think every parent needs a cocktail wouldn't you agree yes i would absolutely agree i don't
1:49 have kids myself but i know that this would help me get through that or enjoy it more so today we're going to make a traditional whiskey sour and a little bit of a difference because we're going to use this higher proof whiskey which is called corsets whips and whiskey it's from journeyman distillery in michigan it's organic and kosher organic certified as well wow so really cool this is actually a single cask 100 wheat whiskey pick from a store called cypress craft beer and liquor uh yeah so that's out in cyprus you should go check them out absolutely so yeah we're just going to make this classic whiskey sour i'm only going to use an ounce and a half of this whiskey because it's 126 proof
2:26 so it packs that punch that a parent might need at the end of the day but without having to really go overboard with how many pours you have yeah wow that's i i i like the sound of that proof i've heard that the higher the proof the more flavor in in in the whiskey is that absolutely so you're getting most of your flavor from the barrel itself and traditionally what all liquor companies will do is they'll proof down to about 40 alcohol and what you're doing is you're adding water to that so it's just going to soften the edges give it a little bit more of a calmer calmer approach to your palate
3:01 but if you have it right out of that barrel it's a flavor explosion you're going to be able to decipher all these different really intricate parts of the aging process oh yeah okay good wow good too good to try it you can always add water after your second sip yeah yeah like with an eye dropper one or two three drops yeah so our super classic whiskey sour is just lemon simple whiskey let's shake it up and do a little arm exercise too yeah you need to get that workout in there i'm going to add a little soda water as well just because this is a higher proof
3:36 whiskey that will also make it a little fresher a little effervescent so just a little bit of that and then you're ready to go okay so hopefully you will enjoy this and it will make all those parenting hours worth yeah right well i mean my daughter makes the parenting hours worth it but i will say that it's it's a challenge sometimes so wonderful here you are oh excellent it's pretty full okay you got two hands yeah i gotta try this right now cheers oh wow oh yeah
4:14 yeah this makes being a parent worthwhile cheers thanks okay i'm gonna go do my interview thanks katie cheryl it's great seeing you again at been a long time but uh i'm i'm so pleased that you are coming on the show i we're going to be talking about a topic i think that is re a lot of people are really struggling with and if i can share just a small anecdote
4:50 with you that explains why i particularly wanted to have you on the show i was in a meeting not too long ago with a whole group of people 30 or 40 of us and one of the men in the meeting was a father and he was talking about how bad he felt that because of all the things have been going on coveted etc his daughter was not going to be able to participate in in a her senior prom the way he had and he felt a loss because of that and the nature of the group is uh it's a lot of coaches and all that kind of stuff and they pounced on this poor man you
5:27 have to look at the bright side you have to be positive and and my response was you know what he's a parent let him feel bad for his daughter who clearly is not happy about not missing out on all these sort of you know rights of passages of you know of her life um i think we have to sort of mourn these a little bit not to be mockish um but to me he was exhibiting just fine parenting but but i assure you i was in the minority and think in
6:03 thinking that so you know and that kind of leads into my my first question which is how have you seen parenting change over you know the time that you've been working with parents because you know as i mentioned in your intro you were a head of school and and now you're a parent coach i mean it it's not just cova that seems to be driving these changes right tell us a little bit about what you've seen in that regard well i do want to acknowledge that i haven't been in the school setting for the past couple years but before that i was in schools for 30 plus years and i will say that the major
6:40 change that i saw repeatedly is parents wanting their children to not have any hardship or difficulties they would want to smooth over every little thing that came a child's way where we know that it's just not the real world and that's not healthy where our role as educators and parents is to help children get through difficult times not take them away so i feel like our job as parents is to raise healthy thriving responsible adults and we need
7:15 to be able to give them the tools to do that so when we take away hardships and kids don't learn how to navigate that and realize they're going to be okay and they'll get over it even though it may be hard and we're actually harming our children so that you know that that that seems to be a little bit counter to what i said about this fellow should we should we acknowledge that our children are going through hardships to them oh this is a tough time and and then work from there or do we try and convince them no no everything that comes into your life is positive and you know it's
7:51 i don't know it's an opportunity for growth or how how do we how what's the best way to handle that this is a big conversation and i just heard a podcast where susan david she's an author and i believe she's a psychologist was interviewed and she talked about the tyranny of positivity which that's what you're talking yeah i love that torment term and i'm glad i just learned it so i could share it with you and that's what the parents were doing to this father and what we need to do and i've done a lot of um study i don't want to say a lot but i have been learning a lot about dealing with
8:27 emotions and what is a healthy approach and actually we want to validate the difficulties whether he needed to validate what it sounds like he did for his daughter this is sad it's hard and it's a time of loss and the father was right to acknowledge his own feelings we don't want to suppress our emotions that actually causes us harm and can be detrimental to our physical health so it's really important that's what we need to say to kids no that is hard it is hard or that is sad we want them to be able and as adults too to really name the emotion we're seeing
9:03 and try to get as granular as possible instead of just saying i'm angry or happy to really be able to name the emotion and acknowledge it and know that emotions are fleeting and that we can work through them and that um it's healthy to feel these emotions so we don't want to bury them or shoot them away and or tell people oh it's going to be okay and that's a terrible positivity so i think it was great that he was able to acknowledge how he was feeling and it's a little sad to hear that the people were not
9:39 supportive of him in that yeah yeah the tyranny of positivity i like that a friend of mine and i talk about toxic positivity so maybe maybe there's different grades of it right so as as you work with parents today what do you find are the most common challenges they face vis-a-vis their children if they're trying if the if the most common challenge parents have is you know trying to smooth the way for their children
10:14 what are the actual challenges that parents are are facing that they need to help their children work through it really is a tough question because everybody's situation is a little different and a lot depends on the age of the child because as we go through life there's different things that come you know come our way so right now during covid i just think across the board it is hard that we're limited in what we can do we have to respect our families values and be supportive of those and i think
10:50 just the limitations that we have whether you're five years old you know and going out and socializing and being with friends through college i think it's really hard for everyone right now and i think we just need to acknowledge that and um i think there's a wide range of emotions i don't know about you but i i'm going through a wide range of emotions during this pandemic and to acknowledge it and know that that's normal and that's healthy and and it's okay okay so so then let me let's let's see if we can approach it a different way rather than trying to name the challenges themselves
11:25 how as parents can we um figure out if that's the right word that our children are are having a problem or a challenge that especially one that they appear to be ill-equipped to deal with so are you asking how do we know if they have a challenge or how to help them deal with the challenge well so how do first of all how do because look kids are unhappy sometimes um you know i mean i see my daughter and
12:01 uh you know if i asked her are you okay sweetie every time she looked unhappy i mean she'd want to slap me she wouldn't it's against our values but you know but she would want you know say so how how can i be more um uh i'm not sure what the word is but more uh careful to approach her when it's more likely to be something that could require help from me okay so i have a number of answers for that one is really observation to see is your child and some of this is normal so you have to know what's normal for your child are they withdrawing is their demeanor
12:36 changed and again yes children's emotions go up and down but do you notice that it's more frequent or for a prolonged period of time really pay attention to those kind of signals and warnings and i think we know our children very well and you can usually tell if there is a change and if it's ongoing and i really i didn't do this as a parent and i just wish i had and i really recommend it for families as a family meeting a weekly family meeting where parents and the children have a time to
13:12 come together as a family to communicate and you might share something that you're grateful for something that had a higher low of your week also if the family isn't functioning well like let's talk about it how can we fix this so it empowers the children to help become part of the solution and have them have a voice and it really empowers children but also that you're working together as a team to figure out solutions and i think that is a time where families come together and really can do check-ins and that way in time that children will
13:48 know you know that that's a time to share of course parents know that they're available to their child at any time but it's also a good time to share if they're having a struggle to check in and i think sometimes we get busy and we forget to do that where that family meeting is a dedicated family time for those times types of check-in and again trying to keep communication open with your child which is so hard at the different stages you know as they get into teens and even middle school friends become more important but always to let them know you're there that you're their support you love them no matter what
14:23 and just letting them know that you are their safety net all of that that um that does seep in to the voice in their head that they'll know that you're there and hopefully they'll feel comfortable coming to you so so it's interesting um every sabbath we go around the table and we talk about what we're we're grateful for but you actually had a couple more pieces to that um i what i guess something that um just in general that great that happened during the week and and a challenge that so add those in
15:00 as well as and if you're doing a family meeting is it can be look i think people there's different ways of holding family meetings and ultimately it's a way to connect and there's different ways of doing check-ins and one is you know your highs and lows people sometimes call it roses and thorns it can be whatever you want to call it i have a child that i know that calls it her booze and yays so highs and lows and also again for example a lot of times families have trouble with routines let's say the mornings are really hectic things aren't going well
15:35 to bring that up you know like we're really struggling with this i'm feeling really frustrated how can we fix it or our child's not listening following instructions you know let's say let's let's work this out as a family and that way the child has input voice and that everybody's attention is focused where it needs to be to help you know just the family communicate and help things run smoother so those so we've been talking about i think things that you know parents and within their families can be doing on their own how do we know when it may be time to
16:10 seek out professional help you know it's really really hard and again i would look for those signals of a child withdrawing not eating lack of sleep you know withdrawal those are many things to look at and i do not underestimate children at any age and i would go speak with them and share i'm concerned i've been noticing noticing some things i'm worried about you once you know i love and support you how would you feel do you feel like you need some outside help you know and i would talk to them about it and see what they say
16:45 and and what about for parents how do we i think it's it's it's probably easier for us to figure out if our child needs help right but how do we know when we may need some outside help i think sometimes when there is an ongoing issue that doesn't seem to be resolved i feel that oftentimes when parents actually change their behavior and reflect on themselves and change how they're interacting with their child the child's behavior will often shift unless there are extenuating
17:20 circumstances so again if we're having a lot of power struggles which are not effective we feel like things are just not going smoothly um that's where parent coaching comes in um where i help parents look at how they're taking care of themselves how they can be the best parents they could be and then sometimes there's deeper issues healing issues that really need to be resolved and that's where a therapist or a counselor might come in but oftentimes if you're open to it you know we all can use some outside help here and there and i think people need to acknowledge
17:55 as soon as we go to friends and then sometimes it seems like we need a little bit more than that and i really respect people when they recognize and we're having some difficulty here i'm not quite sure how to handle this ongoing situation um i could use some outside help because intellectually oftentimes we know but when it's us it's sometimes really hard to see the best way forward so i have a client that she said you know she's got older children and one was coming home you know from college and she said how is it that i can't see this for myself when it makes so much sense but i think it's really hard when it's us and we're the ones
18:31 navigating the situation yeah yeah wow a college age kids going home really hard it is really really hard and i think that's one of the reasons why i got into coaching is it is so hard and i wish i know knew then when i was raising my kids what i know now and i feel like if i can be there to help people navigate things that would then result in a better future for their child in some way i really want to be of help because little things can make such a big difference and unwittingly we can we can really cause
19:06 harm and on the other hand it's so easy to show up for our kids and show them love and stability is what they all need something you said a few minutes ago really resonated with me and that is you know my daughter and i were perpetually getting into typically more petty power struggles and and you know me being me i of course blamed her i always take the you know the high route um but what i found was when i when a friend of mine you know figuratively
19:41 beat me up enough that i started changing what i was doing the the issue got immeasurably better uh and to the point where at one point my daughter came to me and said i really appreciate that you know that you're doing this daddy you know like talk about a role reversal right so what can we what are one or two things that we as parents can start doing right now that will
20:18 make being parents and make family life better well again it kind of depends on the age for little ones i want to say routine and consistency and stability kids really need that and when parents feel like they want to be too much of a friend and not set limits it's actually harmful for kids they need those limits they need boundaries and allow for choices but choices that work for the parents little ones are not decision makers but you want them to gain independence and that their voice
20:53 is valued and so choices are really important but choices that work and i think as kids get older we want again want them to be you know empowered thriving adults and so i think we need to allow them to have their voices be heard so if it's about screen time before covent it's still a thing but it was such a big item about screen time and what we're doing and again it's not so much about the time but what we're doing on the screens but work up a contract together say this is a concern this is why be very honest and then say
21:31 so i'm doing this out of love for you but i want it to be fair what do you feel like is reasonable what would be the natural consequences should you not follow this curfew friends all of that let them have their voice and they will be more likely to follow and you know hear you when they are able to feel empowered and again i'm not telling for parents just to give up parents need to set the boundaries but get the input of setting those boundaries and limits from your child excellent excellent cheryl it's all the
22:07 time we have i want to spend another three or four hours and not because i have a great cocktail in front of me but because what you say it makes so much sense and and and and set in such a calm you know straightforward manner really appreciate you you being with us here on the way to wow show thanks so much well thank you so much for having me i really enjoyed our time together and hope that people found it helpful that's our show for this week folks thanks thanks thanks to katie o'donnell making her third appearance on the way to wow show
22:42 her whiskey sour was out of this world let's remember what our parent coach cheryl hirsch told us have a family meeting a time specifically for expressing what you're grateful for what good things happen what such not good things happen where both you and your children get a chance to express what's going on what they're struggling with and you can come up with ideas together for how to move forward to a better place
23:18 if you like our show please do subscribe to our youtube channel and follow us on social media we'd love to get your comments on what you think about the guests we're having and all the other things that go on here on the way to wow show courage at all times my friends marie darling you are still my belle [Music]
24:23 you