0:07 who are you and where are you going what do you want [Music]
0:46 hello and welcome to jigger's place which you know part for the course having a little bit of technical difficulties I'm your host Kevin bamel and we're here every other Thursday to talk about all those things to have a CO first of all to have a cocktail and then to talk about all those things that are not business related like we do on my other three shows each week so uh you know when I planned this show it did not even dawn on me that today is Valentine's Day February 14th so for um all of you people like me
1:24 who do not have a valentine on this day um we can sit back and enjoy a cocktail and talk about relationships right how don't I don't even know there's obviously something in the air where I chose uh you know Valentine's Day to talk about relationships um I don't know how that happened it it it it did I guess call it fate call it God whatever you want to do so um I have a number of thoughts on the subject it is for those of you who watched any of my shows you know it's one of my most passionate to topics and
2:01 uh and so uh uh in in honor of of well in preparation for this show if you've seen my other shows this week and I think even the end of last week uh I I I mentioned several times that um I I I I would like you to think what is the most important thing about relationships and if you have it in your head okay and I've done this many many times um in workshops that I conducted for the United States Navy uh
2:36 95 or more per of people get this wrong and maybe 1% get get it right um and so I'm just you know odds are what you're thinking in your head is is is not actually the the answer uh to to that question so hold that I'm going to hold you in suspense and and uh you know as I oftentimes do uh well or really always do on this show uh I have a cocktail theme to our topic and I
3:12 uh I you know got with my co- cocktail Creator chat GPT and said uh design a cocktail that is uh uh evocative of relationships and it came up with the oldfashioned commitment I have to tell you love the name because let's face it relationships are as old as human beings and uh and so and and you'll find out later why I like the name even more so um this is really
3:47 basically just an oldfashioned which is a classic classic cocktail um it's it's you it can be made with bourbon or rye um I'm going to use Rye this is my rat Rye which is bullet Rye very very nice uh Rye Great Value in terms of what it cost um even even with the uh the price of spirits having gone up a little bit um and then I've got my sugar cubes got a little bit of water have my angero Bitters and I just
4:22 realized I left my orange in the kitchen hang on I'm going to disappear for 60 seconds hopefully that was less than 60 seconds okay I've got my beautiful naval orange that I got from Trader Joe's today um and then you can also garnish it with with cherries luxardo cherries it calls in the in the recipe if you if you're on
4:57 my email list and got the recipe I I don't like cherries um except for fresh cherries so I'm not going to garnish mine with that but you certainly can oh and I need to get a rock slass let's see here we go and these are rocks glasses I got from a a company called Juniper Square um if you're in the investment business uh they're they're they they they have a great platform for helping you uh work with your investors so there's there's a free plug for my friend at junifer Square okay so the way we make this is
5:33 we take a sugar cube drop it in the glass and we're going to put a couple of uh dashes of of uh yeah couple of dashes of angero bitters classic classic bitters you can see everything about this is classic I didn't I did I you know thought for a moment I'd use one of my fancier bitters but I said no no no this is a classic okay I'm going to put just a little bit of water into it'll make it easier to uh muddle the ice CU on the sugar cube
6:08 here's my mudler isn't this you know it's quite beautiful wood with a this is I think a marble here on the end you know it's such a pleasure to uh you know use nice implements this I got from a William sonono that is shutting down so I think I got it for $5 or something like that always a treat Okay so we've muddled the sugar and the uh and the uh bitters
6:47 together okay and then let's see okay so we're going to add the Rye Whiskey and let's see the recipe calls for 2 oz of rye whiskey wow that's a that's a little bit more than a [Music] jiger okay there we go see my measure whoa okay there's the two o and okay and um where's my spoon gonna
7:25 go ahead and stir it mix it well with the uh with the with the sugar uh the muddled sugar cube and uh and Bitters and okay then we're going to put some ice cubes in it clunk clunk more here basically want to fill the glass with ice although I'm such a clutch I'm not going to fill it
8:00 completely full okay we're going to stir it to chill you hear the ice cubes clinking around huh it's a really easy cocktail to make it seems like with the muddling and all that maybe it's a big deal but no not really and just like when we shake a cocktail and we want the Shaker to get all Frosty on the outside but also shake it enough so that um some of the ice melts and uh dilutes the cocktail and helps bring out the flavors do we do the same thing when we're stirring it's no
8:36 different okay and last but not least we're going to get here's my heer so we're going to take some uh um uh rind of the orange orange peel okay and it's really easy this is this this is looks kind of fancy this is just a potato peeler okay and we'll find a nice section of the orange here um and it's nice that it's uh it's good when you have a peeler that's really sharp uh makes it easier uh to deal with um
9:11 normally I will trim this but I'm not going to take the time uh and I'm just going to kind of squeeze some of the um some of the a little bit of the the the you know Express the moisture in the orange peel drop it in there orange okay and this is our oldfashioned commitment a very nice okay see you over on the couch
10:11 so it is a little bit chilly not super cold but a little bit chilly uh late afternoon here in Los Angeles it's been raining pretty much since uh very late last night or early this morning I don't know I fell asleep at about 10:00 and when I woke woke up as I normally do in the middle of the night it was raining already um love the rain love the sound of the rain love the wet weather um love that it's a little bit chilly uh and and if if if I if I don't make a sound you probably can hear the
10:47 rain tapping around outside so um um I wish you a happy Valentine's Day I'm sorry if if if like me you're alone um unless you want to be alone so uh excuse me so the question is what is the most important thing in a relationship and I think 95% of the time the answer I
11:24 get is communication right th this has been repeated for so many decades it's a cliche uh so I want to ask you a question what color is my vest okay now I suspect you are saying Brown what if I told you that my vest is Pink
12:01 I suspect you'd say no it's not it's brown maybe it's on the black side of brown but it's it's it's brown or very close to it no it's pink it's brown it's pink now if if you were to ask me do you understand what I'm saying to you and I said to you yes you're telling me my vest is brown would you agree with me that that you've communicated clearly
12:36 to me and if I were to ask you am I communicating clearly to you and you and you say to me well you're telling me your vest is pink but I think you're crazy I said no set the crazy aside for a minute that's a separate issue am I being clear in my communication that I'm saying to you my vest is pink you would have to say yes you are are you getting my point we are communicating absolutely
13:15 clearly and so what we can keep going back and forth back and forth and one of two things is going to happen either we're going to agree to disagree or we're going to find some way to reconcile the difference in perception or we're going to get into a fight and maybe start calling each other
13:50 you know bad names calling each other stupid or blind or you know whatever people do when they start calling each other names and yet we're communicating absolutely clearly it cannot possibly be that communication is the most important thing in a relationship it can't be because if that were the case as long as people communicated
14:25 clearly there wouldn't be any problems so this idea struck me when I was doing some research on relationships uh when I was assigned to what was called The Warrior transition program uh in uh Southern Germany and I I was tasked with uh redoing the uh reunion briefs uh that were given to the sailors that
15:02 were coming to the warrior transition program as a as a way stop before they came back to the United States and went back to their families and of course having been away from their families uh for anywhere from six months to a year sometimes relationships were strained relationship skills were uh a little attenuated at least the kind of familial marital uh relationship skills were were not what where they ought to be and so we did these uh reunion workshops to
15:38 help people start thinking about a number of issues and it was in those workshops that I found that the vast the overwhelming majority of people thought communication was the most important thing in a relationship and by the time we have finished our relation our our Workshop I think they were pretty well convinced that it was going to take more than communication to deal with their relationships and excuse me one
16:21 second so I did some research while I was at wtp and I Came Upon an article that was written by a Prof a researcher at Liberty University and I wish I could remember her name um but she had researched military couples and essentially why some couples stayed together and others did not and her conclusion was to m mind
17:00 enormously profound the couples that stay together were the ones that knew that the most important thing about a relationship is the relationship now you may say oh that's a lot of psycho bab that's ridiculous but take a minute and let that sink in the most important thing about a
17:35 relationship is the relationship so to go back to my example about the color of my vest three things were possible to happen one is we would agree to disagree two is we would find some way to reconcile our different perceptions three we would get in a fight and once fighting gets bad enough eventually the relationship deteriorates and may even break up which one or which I should which of
18:13 these I should say events caring about the relationship well agreen to disagree does that shows mutual respect working through some kind of reconciliation of our differences in perspective also shows caring and respect for the relationship fighting does not it just doesn't okay now there are some people who thrive on fighting they they thrive
18:49 on name calling the contentiousness the the ups and downs the roller coaster right of fighting uh how many of those people have truly enduring relationships especially with someone who isn't a fighter in my experience it's very few so the most important thing in a relationship is the
19:26 relationship now very it's like so many profound things it's very easy to say and it's extremely difficult to accomplish well I I I've overstated it it's it's a lot of hard work to accomplish it so I was at an event yesterday I uh was was asked to uh be a wine pourer at a Pour at a a kosher wine event so without getting into the particulars of it
20:01 basically uh I was asked to uh pour wines for an Israel Winery known as benyamina and uh in the course of the evening I met someone there and we we chatted for a few minutes and uh she mentioned to me that she had been Mar she's been married for 31 years now setting aside for the moment she looked too young to have been married for 31 years um that in today's world that is
20:37 an absolutely laudable accomplishment so I said to her how did you do it and she said well it hasn't been easy there have been some very hard times between my husband and me but we were committed to working through them now you might say oh you're making this up or you prompt nope all I did was ask her how did you do it that's it and she was the one who gave me the
21:12 gave me that that response out out of her own you know I I think uh you know wish to um I I I honestly I think she was being modest right it's not a big commitment wasn't a big it's not a big accomplishment look we we were committed to we're committed to staying together and so we have now I'm not going to belabor the point but I think in today's world a commitment to stay together and work things out through thick and thin is is
21:48 perhaps the most laudable thing that two human beings can do and uh you know it really it really brought home for me the the the truth of what I've been talking to people about for now it's been uh five and a half or six six years or so and um so you may find it a little bit uh I I don't know what the word is
22:23 but uh strange that's that you know a man who's um going through uh a second divorce is you know is is is has the as we say in Yiddish to give relationship advice uh and one of one of my um aphorisms of life is we almost always learn more from our failures than our successes now having said that
23:00 I did not set out to have two failed marriages uh and I'm not going to talk about my current marriage because the divorce is ongoing and we also have uh a daughter and so it's it's it's not appropriate for me to talk about it you know in public um but I will talk for a moment about my first marriage um and the fact of the matter is um I have nothing uh I don't say egregious things about my first wife she was a very lovely woman um the fact of the matter
23:37 is uh at least me I was I I I can't speak for her um but I didn't understand when I at the time I proposed to her uh exactly what was necessary in order to make the relationship the the most important thing about the relationship to make commitment the most important thing about a relationship and the fact of the matter was I found out after we were married that uh our
24:16 our core values uh were much more much more different than I thought they were and and in the end that was why we weren't able to resolve uh our differences resolve the conflicts that we had and um we were getting to the point where we were seriously considering having a child and um having grown up in a family uh where
24:51 my mother and father I think had um different values and a lot of conflict that never got resolved um I didn't think that would be a good uh environment in which to raise a child um and so uh you know in in in many ways certainly at least 50% of the responsibility for uh you know for that marriage breaking up was mine um but that's but that is something that I learned from the failure of my
25:27 first marriage is in order to be able to make the relationship the mo the most important thing two people have to have pretty similar values now in our society it seems like we value similar interests and values don't play a big part the conversation and I think that's a huge
26:03 mistake the fact of the matter is I can learn to be to enjoy or at least be interested in those things that interest another person and another person can learn to enjoy or at least be interested in the things that interest me and and by doing so we can enrich each other's lives but but if we have at heart a conflict in core values when true conflict
26:39 arises there's no basis for resolving that conflict so option number two in in the example of the vest is going to be difficult if not impossible to exercise we're not going to find a way to be able to to resolve our differences in perception or perspective so we're left with either agreeing to disagree or arguing until the fabric of the relationship is so deteriorated that
27:15 the relationship breaks and in essence that was the pattern certainly of my first marriage we agreed to disagree for a while until the Cognizant dissidence just became so great and and for me the risk of bringing an innocent third- party child into the conflict became too great and so the relationship broke up
28:00 so these are the things I think we need to look for um in in when we're examining our relationships first and foremost is how well do our values align where are they similar where are they different now let me be clear about this our politics are not our
28:37 values okay people's political positions are undergirded by their values now because we do not live in a society that examines values often times people's political positions are at odds with their real core values and so it becomes very it becomes difficult to for them to really understand what do I value and when they
29:15 find that their politics are in conflict with their core values it it can become a very difficult internal struggle to resolve now sometimes people change their politics sometimes people change their values and sometimes people remain conflicted for years if not decades okay and so politics are not a um
29:51 proxy for values especially the way politics is done in the United States today we need to dig below that so if you're you know dating someone and you get a sense that they they believe their politics are their values but they're not able to express the True Values underly underlying their political positions that's a warning sign that's someone who perhaps
30:28 doesn't have a high degree of self- understanding self-awareness okay so pardon me first and foremost is two people have to understand each other's values and they have to be sufficiently aligned that when conflicts arise there is a reasonable opportunity for resolving the conflict to the satisfaction of both people now I'm talking relationships talking about a primary
31:04 relationship uh a marriage okay as as a proxy term okay that that's that's number one okay now you may be surprised by number two coming from a rabbi number two is there has to be a physical attraction okay and the reason is because when we're in Conflict the the the physical
31:42 attraction will help incentivize us to work through the conflict okay I'm attracted to this person I I want to be with this person physically okay now I think that's particularly important for a man because that's how men are men and women are different you can say we're not but we are okay just basic
32:20 basic fact of life and so there needs to be a physical attraction now are we going to be physically attracted to each other all the time no does physical attraction kind of wax and Wayne throughout a relationship yes absolutely it does okay but just because an a physical attraction seems to be gone at one point doesn't mean that it can't be rekindled that's a
32:56 myth physic physical traction can be rekindled okay it certainly can next there needs to be an emotional connection okay for good or for bad we're beyond the time in human history where marriage is essentially utilitarian essentially business relationship that doesn't fly in society
33:33 anymore so we call that emotional connection love and I think that's a good word for it although if you ask me to Define love I'm pretty sure I cannot to your satisfaction but they're are just like physical attraction love also waxes and waines throughout a relationship and in fact I'm going to do another another uh
34:08 uh concept test with you what is the opposite of love if you said hate sorry to inform you that is not true hate is not the opposite of love hate is the partner of love the opposite of Love is indifference love and hate are both strong emotions they essentially come from the same emotional
34:43 Source I know when I counseled service members and their spouses about their marriages if they loved each other or hated each other the marriage was probably going to survive if one or the or both of them were in was indifferent to each other the chances the marriage were survive was was vastly diminished that's why love is a component
35:19 of a relationship an an essential component of a relationship that emotional connection needs to be there and the fact of the matter is we can love someone and something can happen in the next moment we can hate that person but the intensity of the emotion in a way is is is what matters now if we feel indifferent toward a person does that mean that that's forever that's also a myth just like quote unquote losing a
35:55 physical attraction means the Rel relationship is over not true feeling indifferent toward a person now the relationship is over not true love waxes and waines just like physical attraction if those three qualities exist in a in a relation reltionship
36:30 values similar enough that two people think they can resolve most conflicts physical attraction and love the only other ingredient those two people need to celebrate a golden wedding anniversary is the essential ingredient to to a relationship the relationship the commitment to the
37:10 relationship arguments will inevitably happen difficulties will arise in the relationship physical attraction will wax and wne so will love but if the commitment is there the conflict can be worked through the physical attraction can be overcome and love can be rebuilt I seen it happen many many times
37:46 all all three of those and the the couples that I've worked with that were able to do so shared one thing in common they all agreed that the most important thing about a relationship is the relationship and so on on this Valentine's
38:23 Day sitting here having a cocktail by myself um and uh you know going through my second divorce my blessing for you if you're married is that your values are sufficiently aligned that you're able to work through conflict you may not be able to figure that out on your own you may need someone to help you you may need a rabbi
38:59 a priest a minister to help you or a therapist a psychologist marriage counselor to help you figure that out on the face of it your values may not be aligned that's why it's important to dig down to core values and my next blessing is that wherever you are in the cycle of physical attraction that you're able to rekindle it and that
39:37 you take steps to rekindle it if it's if it's whack if it's waned and same with your love even if you've been married a long long time you should be still be going out on dates get a babysitter for the kids if they're young if they're old enough leave them on their own go on dates spend time together spend time alone together that will help rekindle the physical attraction and the
40:12 love so that you can live out the most important aspect of be of a relationship the relationship and if you're like me single my blessing for you if you're looking for someone and presumably you are since you're watching this show is that you will find someone with whom you share essentially aligned values that you find physically attractive and that you love because those three qualities will do pay tremendous
40:51 dividends as you and your partner strive to keep in mind throughout your life together that the most important thing about a relationship is the relationship so I wish you cheers and uh signing off as I always do with all of my shows to my dear dear Marie you are and ever will be my
41:31 bell and wish you courage at all times my friends