The WAY to WOW Shows
Avoiding Family Conflict
December 18, 2023
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[0:17] hello and welcome to trust and Estates weekly one of the way to wow shows I'm your host Kevin bemel and we are here at 10:00 a.m. Pacific time every Monday to talk about those things related to Estate Planning and managing trusts Estates handling the closing of probates and Estates all of those things that go on um to prepare for our um eventual and inevitable demise right not necessarily a uh heartwarming subject but uh you

[0:52] know one of the realities of Life uh so as we head toward the end of the year um and we we interact with uh relatives uh more frequently perhaps uh I thought this would be a propitious time to talk about um dealing with the conflicts that sometimes arise when it comes time for estate planning or estate settlement and so let me bring up my screen here we

[1:28] go and there we there it is okay and see we've got a we've got a we've got a new uh opening slide here um I've I've been um uh making my my images and branding more consistent um across uh both the shows and social media and such so this you you'll see this on my website now you'll see it um on on all of the emails and such uh for for the show um so we're going to talk about

[2:03] inheritance and family Dynamics how to handle sensitive issues okay and uh you know this this you see here a multigenerational family by the way I think these are the parents and grandparents and and these I'm not sure if these you know or maybe these are all children but he kind of looks like a grandchild and they look maybe a little bit too young have a child that old but somehow this seems sort of multigenerational so um in any event um you know this is this is the reality of

[2:40] um of of estate plannings and and and blink and there we are on our next slide so everything I do everything we do on the way to wow shows relates to the three pillars of attainment and I if you are new to the shows so I invite you to go to our YouTube channel and there's a whole show talking about what's behind the three pillars of attainment and it really comes down to a way of of organizing our lives ourselves our relationships and the things we do Pursuits um on on this show we deal

[3:18] primarily with finances okay but of course today we're going to be dealing a lot with relationships as well and also with um our ourselves so often times um the three pillars mesh and many of the Realms come into play together so here's here's the challenge that comes with um family Dynamics and I I've broken them down into three you know there's different ways of describing these but we really what

[3:53] we're what we're looking to do is is get at their root the first one is unresolved issues so of often times between family members there are things that have gone on um over the years and they have never been worked out um there may be family members who are estranged from each other um and and by the way uh this is not to imply that um the issues are not legitimate many times there are legitimate reasons for these issues um

[4:29] and and there may be there may be good reasons why they remain unresolved um it's just when we deal with our Estate Planning and estate settlement if there are unresolved issues then those need to be taken into account in order to reduce minimize um their impact on what happens um after we um after we die okay so so that's one that's one thing these you might call these you know old

[5:05] conflicts if you will as as contrasted with new conflicts so um new conflicts can be things that have uh happened recently or that are happening as a result of the estate planning process so you would think well wait how can there be conflict um as result of essentially planning for people to you know inherit my wealth or you know helping you're helping a client you know pass their wealth on but but I assure you there are

[5:42] lots of grounds for conflicts we're going to we we'll talk about some of these um as as the show proceedes um but but indeed the whole process of planning and settlement can cause uh conflicts um sometimes they're an extension of unresolved issues other times they're just conflicts that come up as a result of what's going on okay and then finally there are unexpected emotions so I I think often

[6:18] times um we we many of us I I think me and me included in this we we don't um well we're un prepared for what goes on um when a death in our families occurs and all of a sudden um we're faced with this um ending if you will and it it brings up an emotional response that surprises us um and um you know there

[6:55] are that can lead to other unexpected uh results so um all of that can then play into um the whole um the whole process of doing our estate planning um and and estate settlement and indeed by the way um the unexpected emotions can arise um even in the planning stage where you know it it it it may seem like well you know look it makes sense my my parents have to plan for when they're for when they're no longer here um but then you

[7:32] know really thinking about what that means can be very upsetting so I I have a very close friend um who is is dealing with that now um he um uh his father recently passed away and and his father had been declining and wasn't particularly well and and he certainly was was very sad over that um but I think you know it it didn't it didn't Ambush him um what did Ambush him is the thought that um gosh what's going to

[8:07] happen when my mother dies um and I I think he was a little bit surprised at how that hit him um and with good reason these are difficult things to think about so um unexpected emotions can also impact family Dynamics okay okay let's okay oh you know what I I realized um I'm gonna I'm gon to I'm going to talk about some of what these issues might be so let's let's go back now to

[8:43] unresolved issues so um an unre a TP not typical but a type of unresolved issue could be feelings on the part of one child that um his parents always favored one of his siblings or it it could be that he felt favored by his parents and may feel guilty about that and it's never been dealt with okay and by the way just because he feels guilty about it doesn't mean that there's any basis for the

[9:19] guilt the other children his his siblings they may have recognized that he was the favored child and and and they may feel like well you know there was a good reason for that and and you know it is kind of is what it is but it's no big deal from from our you know from our perspective um but the one who's feeling guilty isn't aware of how his siblings feel maybe he's never addressed the issue to them and so you've got this sort of unresolved conflict going on and in this case it's really only from one one child's

[9:54] perspective but nonetheless it can Cloud the whole process okay um and and look there are issues between children and parents um there are issues regarding how uh money is handled um and and all of these can go on for years indeed decades um without there being any substantial resolution to them and then you know now you're you're either going through um the estate planning process and and you're getting push back that you don't um

[10:31] anticipate or you know you're You're gone um and and now your your heirs are going through settling the estate and these these unresolved issues are causing conflicts and and everybody well not I mean everybody in including the person who's the source of the conflict may be sort of mystified as to why this is you know so um uh bumpy if you will um because sometimes we're not even we're not even aware that we have these issues

[11:06] um they're so a part of us that um you know until we do some some very sort of focused thinking and and and and digging we we don't realize you know the Dynamics that we're involved with and and that we're causing okay now new conflict um could be things like um let's say that um um let's let's use a husband um his wife dies and he has um three children from

[11:43] the first marriage um and then you know several several years later he gets remarried um and and the woman he marries um has uh three children from her prior marriage I know that's that's pretty wild these days three children wello um but but didn't didn't used to be so unusual I I you know my my parents had three children I'm I'm the middle so um so you know um and let's say that um um the the the man um had you know some

[12:18] substantial assets and the woman he married didn't really doesn't didn't really have any or doesn't really have anything substantial fi financially okay and and and yet you know now they're married they're a couple um and and they you you know we have this sort of blended family and the children of of the the husband may feel like um the new children are are Interlopers in the sense that you know they're not related to their father why should they get a share of their father's wealth um on the

[12:53] other hand um the father may feel that um it it would be um wrong it would be you know unkind or ungenerous to um leave his his new wife's children um you know out of their estate plan um and he doesn't want to insult them um and and you know he and he feels that it's the right thing to do or he may you know look presumably he he loves this woman that he married and he he may just flat out feel this is the right thing to do they're you know her children are my

[13:30] children and vice versa and we're we're going to do our best to treat them as such and so you know share and share alike so how the parents are viewing it and how the children view it um can create you know a new conflict um and and and that can make this whole thing more difficult and and you know probably the worst result is is is that the parents would do their estate plan and then that you know they they die and now all of a sudden um the children are faced with this situation that um you know at

[14:08] least half of them perhaps think is wrong um and and the other the other three are going wait a minute we had nothing to do with this you know this is what our you know our parents wanted um why are we being you know blamed or held responsible for something that we had nothing to do with oh yes you did you you you you swayed him or your mother swayed them and you know you know how these things can go so these kind of new conflicts can come up as as well okay and then we I I talked about um

[14:43] unexpected emotions so so all of these create a very significant opportunity for there to be conflict and and um while it's it's you know hopefully G to be you know hard enough on on your heirs when when you pass away um you know it would be even worse if these conflicts um sort of you know explode into you know hostility etc etc they you know people then they won't

[15:19] you know they they don't feel like they can attend the funeral because these other people are there and on and on and on and on I mean these you you know I'm sure you're aware of of how these kind of uh family conflicts can sort of um you know run away all right so how do we deal with them I'm going to give you a a a couple of um s suggestions or a couple of ideas on on what to do and when I say you both you if if you're planning your involved in the planning of your own estate and also you in terms of

[15:54] professionals who are helping people um create a State plans if you've been at this for a long time you you probably um are using these these suggestions if you're newer to um the estate planning and estate settlement realm so these are really skills that I I highly recommend um you you develop um and and I I think you will find that they're going to be useful really throughout your lives these are uh in this first one we I'm going to talk about communic a right

[16:29] this is a uh this is a fundamental relationship skill okay now um people talk about you know um relationships are all about communication well um I don't agree with that to be to be candid relationships aren't about communication relationships are about relationships they're about commitment that's what and and there's there was a um a paper that that I read um written by I believe it was a psychologist at at Liberty University who studied um merital

[17:07] conflict among veterans and uh the conclusion of the paper was that the um marriages that did not do well were the ones who did not see the marriage in the context of it being a commitment okay so you know two people can be communicating completely clearly they can understand each other very well that doesn't mean that the relationship is going to survive so um I don't want I don't want you to fall into the Trap of

[17:42] thinking well as long as I'm communicating clearly my job is done no that is not the case at all okay it's just most of the time clearing up conflicts um misund understandings in relationships and avoiding them will start with communication okay communication that's open honest and empathetic okay so let's let's talk about each one of these three qualities so we we make sure that we understand

[18:17] each other open communication means you're you're sharing all that there is to be shared okay you're not sort of selectively saying this or that um so that in the end although you've communicated um the person with whom you're communicating ends up being misled because you've left things out or they've left things out okay so communication should be open it should also be honest okay now it can be

[18:54] difficult we talk about honesty and and and this is I'm I'm not of the school that um that you know that that that that truth is sort of fungible no there is there is absolute truth okay having said that um we we we can we can only be as honest as we understand what's going on okay so when when I say being honest being honest with ourselves and honest with the person to whom we're communicating

[19:30] okay so um it it will sometimes honesty requires a qualifier and in fact you probably hear me do this um on occasion I'll say you know X Y and Z well at least that's how I perceive it okay and I and I I open up I keep open the the possibility that maybe I'm misperceiving something and so my P perception of the truth is skewed okay so that's part of open and

[20:05] honest right in order for communication to be honest I think we need to leave leave open at least a smidgen that maybe I'm misunderstanding something maybe I'm misperceiving something and so with additional information perhaps my view of what's true will be altered okay okay and finally empathetic um and and I approach this I I'll I'll be honest I'm a little bit leer of of using

[20:41] this word empathetic because it's so overused today um and and in fact sometimes being empathetic that is being um open and absorbing of another person's feelings can actually be um um counterproductive in resolving conflict okay so so empathy needs to be exercised in a judicious way having said that when

[21:17] we talk about open honest empathetic communication what I mean is not use being open and honest as a way to beat the other person up and I I I see this quite quite I saw this quite often um in my um work counseling people as as a Chaplain in the in the US Navy so people would tell the truth in a way that was like a club that they were beating the other person with okay that is completely counterproductive it may be honest okay

[21:53] but but to what end okay so you know the the the person would would say well you know my my my spouse is is is um you know evil and and this and that and it's like whack whack whack I mean maybe all of those are true okay but the way we express honesty is as important as that we speak with honesty okay and if we want other person

[22:29] to be able to really hear what we're saying attacking them is not the way to go okay so when I say empathetic communication what I mean is communicating in a way that's most likely to be heard okay so you don't necessarily need to take the emotions of the other person on board per se but but take into account how will how might my words impact the person whom I'm talking to

[23:05] their ability to really hear what I'm saying and absorb it and understand it okay in the absence of that third quality of communication it's unlikely that you're going to get clear communication because the the person that you're speaking to is going to reject what you're saying because of the way you're saying it okay it's most of us struggle to rise above being attacked okay especially while the attack's going

[23:41] on now maybe after we disengage we calm down we're able to separate the attack from what was actually said but even then it can be very very difficult and we're only making res obtain achieving resolution more difficult okay so open honest empathetic communication will go a long way towards setting the foundation on which resolution of potential conflicts or of existing

[24:16] conflicts can be reached okay next start early in the process okay so you know maybe you already have your estate plan um done and and now you're coming to the realization maybe there are some conflicts there well okay it frankly probably would have been better if you'd started dealing with potential conflicts um prior to actually creating your plan but okay you didn't but that would be that would have been the best way okay

[24:52] now that you have a plan start now and and and recognize that you may need to make some alterations in in your estate plan now that you've started working on these conflicts and hopefully have worked them through at least to some kind of resolution okay the best way though is to talk with the potential heirs and beneficiaries before you start setting pen to paper and and understand the family

[25:27] dynamic um before you start making firm decisions I mean you you'll you're probably going to have some ideas about what you want to do but do some listening and some some Gathering of um information and and and engage in some understanding of of what the Dynamics are as early in the process as you can because that way you you hopefully won't need to make changes down the road um if if you know had these things been

[26:02] overlooked and now you know they've got to be dealt with later in the process okay okay next listen actively and confirm understanding so this is a a very standard communication technique when you're actively listening you you know we're we're keeping our mouths shut and our ears open and we're focusing on what the person is saying and doing our best to really understand what they're trying

[26:38] to tell us and it typically this the ACT listening actively confirm understanding typically is a bit of a back and forth process where someone says something to you and then at some point they may go on to their next point and and you know gently say before you move on to your next Point um I'd like to make sure that I understand what you've just told me so here's what I heard now you don't necessarily want to repeat the same words back to them um

[27:13] because you know unless that's the only way you can think of to describe what they've said but you want to describe it in your own words so that it comports with your understanding and see if the two of you have a meaning of the Minds if you don't there's no point go there's no reason to go on to the next point until you've got the understanding of this issue first okay and so even if the conversation ends up only um coming to terms with one issue but but you you're able to confirm both parties are able to

[27:48] confirm or all parties are able to confirm that they really understand each other on that issue that's far more productive than covering five issues where people are assuming they understand each other but they don't really know and in fact you know prob maybe don't understand each other or not nearly as well as they need to to reach resolution okay so you want to practice that that active listening and confirming understanding okay finally set clear expectations so as you

[28:25] move on to um creating your estate plan or if or if this is in this the this already in the settlement process settling the estate set clear expectations okay so there may be an heir who is financially in a in a very difficult situation they need money right away but it may not be practical to do that maybe there's there's a will it it needs to go through probate all these things need to be um approved by the court okay and so as as the

[29:01] executive you don't have the authority to just you know write the beneficiary or the write the heir a check okay in fact that would be considered a breach of your fiduciary duty and so from the outset wherever you are in the planning and execution process or planning and settlement process be set as clear expectations as you can okay and and that may involve saying to someone look I I'm I'm not a professional at this so I'm not even sure how all of this works

[29:36] so before I make any promises to you or make or tell you what's going to happen I need to figure that out and that's going to take some time I may need several weeks to figure this out I'm sorry I know you're in a difficult situation but I can't proceed until I'm clear about what I need to do and I I don't want to make any mistakes and cause problems down the road and so you know again I understand um that you're in a in a bad place um please understand that I I have to handle things properly

[30:11] okay so set those clear expectations um another clear expectation maybe in the in the planning process may be look I I going back to the example of of the um the couple that got remarried with three children a piece right one of the expectations may be look we want to do our best to to treat you all as justly as we can um but I I I think you know given what we've heard in in the various meetings that we've had I just don't see a way where we're going to be able to

[30:47] make everyone happy so I think you're just going to have to deal with the reality that we're going to do our best to get you partway there but you're going to end up unhappy with some of the things that we decide and you know you're just going to have to live with that it's not within our ability to make everyone in this situation happy including ourselves okay because in the end these are our decisions this is what we want to do as as your parents and we have certain goals in mind which we've talked to you about they conflict with what you want in the end this these are

[31:24] our decisions to make and and we are going to make the decisions understand that some of them will be upsetting to you you know I I need you to I need you to understand that there's only so much we can do uh in order to um comply with your wishes okay and so that way The Heirs know going in okay you know I'm not going to get what I want now now they may choose to be sulky or whatever you know you're not always going to be able to uh

[32:00] resolve every conflict unfortunately that's that's just the nature of of of you know human interaction okay um next dealing with emotional Dynamics so the first step is to acknowledge the issues okay so it's in the taking the example of the remarried couple it's not going to do any good to hide from the fact that that if there is conflict between the two groups of children that it's there okay just acknowledge it I get it you know father you know you the children of

[32:36] me the husband you feel like since most of the money is mine um before I I married my my you know now wife that you're entitled to all of that money I I I understand that I can understand why you would feel that way okay just understand that my wife and I I we don't share that Outlook with you okay and we don't want to create conflict but we're all adults here and and so you know let's let's

[33:12] acknowledge that the issue exists let's do our best to minimize the conflict that comes from it and and you know live our lives as free from conflict as possible okay next under understand individual needs so you know let's let's say that um um the the children of the husband um you know generally speaking are you know they're just not as financially successful as the children of the wife okay so maybe there is a

[33:50] pecuniary reason that there is a a a financial reason why the husb husband's children should get more in addition to the fact that it was his money okay so if as you look at individual needs that can also you know that can also come into it maybe there's a special need child maybe one of the wife's uh children is a special needs uh you know person um and and so you know that person is going to need uh support his whole life well so as much as the the

[34:27] the husband's children don't want to see money going to the wife's children but the the reality is you know there is this special need on the part of one of them and and and the and the parents stepparents however you want to label them they feel a genuine um uh responsibility to to provide for this individual need okay so those should be looked at as well um and and by understanding people as as individuals and talking to them about

[35:03] their individual needs okay probably best done one onone okay not to cause conflict with others at least initially having one-on-one conversations okay they can felt like their concerns have been heard if not addressed okay and that can potentially lower the opportunity for conflict as well okay finally the conflicts may get to the point where you need some professional help in resolving the conflicts now when I again when I say you let me emphasize

[35:38] I'm talking about you who are planning your Estates but you may also be a professional helping them so maybe you're a financial advisor and you're working with this couple on their estate plan and they've got these conflicts and that's really not within your um level of of professional ability so maybe you want to recommend hey I I think we need to bring in a professional mediator to help deal with these uh these types of conflicts okay and and and that way someone is brought in who's completely

[36:14] neutral okay who can listen to all the parties and help them come to some sort of agreement now um I mean it potentially it could be you know a psychologist or something like that um generally speaking though um you're going to want someone who's familiar with the kinds of issues um that that go on um when an estate is being planned or when there are an estate is being settled okay um and and there are professional mediators out there now let

[36:49] me let me caution that there are a number of lawyers out there who double as mediator ators okay mediation is a very special skill okay just because someone has a law degree and maybe many many years of practice as a lawyer does not mean that they're a competent mediator okay so when you're if you're considering a professional mediator I encourage you to really dive down into their credentials what makes them a

[37:24] professional mediator what qual ifies them as a professional mediator besides them self-identifying as one okay and and I can tell you having dealt with them there is a big big difference between um lawyers who mediate and people whose sole practice is mediation or whose M the majority of their practice is mediation so I know a couple of professional mediators where that's really what they do they are lawyers um

[37:59] but really mediation and this and the and the diffusing and and working out of disputes that's what they spend their professional time doing and they have a very different perspective and ability to create agreement than lawyers who do it as an adjunct to their law practice okay um and by by the way um you may also consider someone like me you know little bit of a commercial I suppose but um I'm I'm a professional fiduciary now if I'm a fiduciary you know of of an estate so

[38:35] then part of my job is going to be if there's conflicts to do my best to mediate them however um you know there are times when I've considered bringing in a professional mediator where it was just beyond I was not perceived as being neutral or at least neutral enough um to to solve the conflict um in other cases I'm I'm I'm working on a situation right now where I'm not the fiduciary involved in the estate um but there is conflict among the beneficiaries and so you know I've I've

[39:11] offered this happens to be a friend of mine I've offered to act as a mediator between him and his brothers um in in helping sort of get it figured out in a way that will work best for all concerned um so um it it that's not my my primary business it's just here I happen to know um the Dynamics pretty well and it's a single it's a single issue um conflict okay but but in any event um professional help may be a good way to go and although obviously it'll it'll cost some money if it if it resolves conflicts well it will save a

[39:48] lot of money down the road actually we're way over time here so I'm going to I think I'm going to get going let's see okay so um real quickly just um you want to plan and socialize so you want to first of all you want to develop your plan you want to get legal and financial advice okay as you're as you're creating your plan okay but as you're creating the plan socialize it mean meaning talk to the beneficiaries talk to The Heirs so that they understand what you're doing and why you're doing it that can

[40:26] um that can uh Forstall conflicts uh down the road okay you may also choose to to build in some contingencies um depending on circumstances that might happen after the plan is set so you don't necessarily have to completely rework the plan so um let's say for example that um you have this situation with um the this the special needs uh child okay and um maybe

[41:01] at the time um let's say it's a special needs grandchild right so the parents are taking care of him okay and and while he's in the parents uh care and custody if you will he's he's fine but but at the point where he hits adulthood and wants to live a you know as independent a life as he can so at that point it may not be within the parents ability to um be able to help him financially enough to be able to do that okay so in that case maybe you want to

[41:36] have a contingency that says you know um this is what we're going to do for this grandchild up to the age of you know 18 when the child when when the grandchild turns 18 we're going to do this other thing you know because you in order to help him live more independently or something like that so you can build some flexibility into your um into your estate plan that will give your trustee or your executive the cour pointed administrator um the opportunity to be able to have some leeway in in working

[42:12] out what might become conflicts um I you know as the estate is being settled okay and then finally you know be be transparent okay so this is this is the the the socialization process if you will and I we to we hear this word transparent a lot these days um I think it's a somewhat overused term but it is applicable in this case so let let the people who are going to be impacted by your estate plan let them know what's going on so they're not surprised okay

[42:49] one of the best ways to avoid conflict is to is to give people an opportunity to understand what's going to happen happen in advance of it happening and get used to the idea okay and and and part of being part of socializing your plan is explaining why you're doing it okay and if and if if there's that you know a perceived slight to a particular Heir beneficiary explaining look we're not meaning to slight you and I I I I understand from our conversations you feel like you're entitled to a larger share we balanced things out as well as

[43:25] we could and that's how we came to these decisions and and we felt it was important that everybody be able to benefit no matter what the source of of the the wealth is okay so again be be as open be as transparent as you can be is as far in advance of the plan having to be enacted and that will give you the best shot at avoiding um uh conflict and and in in terms of dealing with family Dynamics Okay so um that's what we've got today we went kind of long today almost 45 minutes but

[44:00] um hopefully it was worthwhile um if you have any questions need any help here are some places where you can contact me as always if it's a personal matter um don't you know please don't post it openly on social media you can send me an email you can also uh direct message me if you're not already connected with me feel free to you know uh ask to connect with me and then you can send me a you know private message um I'm happy to respond to them if it's something within my scope of professional ability I will if it's outside of my scope I will um you know tell you and and uh

[44:38] help you get connected to someone who can help you with that matter okay um and these will all be in the show notes so don't have to you know worry about even taking a screenshot okay and here's here's the legal stuff um you know that that uh I always have so let's uh stop the share well so that's the show for today and um as you know starting last week all of the way to wow shows are at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time now that's 1 pm eastern time so tomorrow business lessons from the military will be wrapping up our monthlong discussion of Marine Corps Warf fighting Doctrine as

[45:14] it applies to our professional lives and then on Wednesday is people making money and we're going to talk about some tasks that you want to consider now that we're here at the year end so I thank you very much for joining me and uh hope to see you later this week and just wrapping up as I always do Marie You Are My Belle all the best folks