The WAY to WOW Shows
Have a Learn & Grow Mindset
August 17, 2022
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[0:07] foreign good afternoon and uh thank you for joining me on the way to wow people making money I'm your host Kevin bemel and I'm looking at myself in the zoom meeting and it seems like the synchronization is off just slightly so if I start laughing I'm laughing at myself um because it looks so strange so you know I did a uh a session last week where I talked about the uh three pillars of attainment self relationships and Pursuits and

[0:42] explained how that can help you really figure out uh how to be successful professionally whether it's in a job or whether it's a career and I I think it was a I don't know maybe two three Sundays ago I had dinner I had done a short piece about mindset and I I I decided I really want to expand on that because whenever people start talking about success especially professional success this issue of mindset comes up

[1:17] and the way it's discussed oftentimes uh look I'm only going to speak for myself I find it very off-putting to say the least demotivating sometimes so uh I've mentioned this I think before I have a friend and we call we call it you know the sort of toxic positivity movement um and uh one of the things I mentioned in the short piece I did a a couple couple of weeks ago was I was listening to a motivational speaker on a recording and he was one of these you know you got

[1:52] to be positive and you got to be upbeat and you got to be like this and you know it's like really all that kind of you know slightly below frenetic energy which candidly drives me pretty crazy I I I can't take interacting with people like that for for very long um so I wanted to say to them relax if if it's gonna happen we'll make it happen you being excited is not going to make it more likely to happen in fact I I feel like I'm getting battered by all the energy that you're pushing at me

[2:28] so uh he this this particular speaker he acknowledged he said you know I hope before I die I'll actually be able to sustain my positivity for one whole day I'm thinking to myself yeah exactly I mean come on stuff happens throughout the day and it it takes us for a loop you know I was helping my daughter get ready for school this morning and while I was making her lunch she was getting some

[3:03] cereal and she went to open up a new box and I know this has happened to you right she goes to pull open the plastic and it rips and the cereal goes it's like wow it's like I'm yeah you know and and after a while we were laughing about it because it's like these things rolling all over the floor but I mean come on in the moment you're not going oh what a great thing this was that the plastic tour and the cereal spilled all over the place that that's just not normal that is not normal right so I I I just I do not buy this idea

[3:40] that success is tied to your positivity now I'm not saying being negative is the answer it's not I don't think positive or negative it it it I don't I'm not sure it has a whole lot to do with it what I think success has to do with is figuring out you know what do I want and and how do I get it and if I think I have a reasonable chance of getting it then

[4:15] it's basically a tenacity play but let me be honest okay before I join the Navy I was roughly five feet eight inches tall okay and by the time I left the Navy about whatever it was 14 years later um the Navy said I was not that tall anymore but even if I hadn't lost that amount of height I was not going to be successful in the NBA it was just not going to happen Okay I was not going to be successful in the NFL okay I was not going to be a successful

[4:52] tennis player I don't care how much I practiced I don't care how positive my and my attitude was I was not going to do these things okay positive attitude wouldn't make a difference it just wouldn't I you know I don't have the right body structure I'm I'm too small um you know the the ratio of the length of my leg to My overall height I'm you know my my trainer can explain it to you better than I can because he's the expert in it I'm I'm not um but but I will I will accept his you

[5:29] know judgment on this Kevin you were never going to be a professional athlete it's like I think you're right okay and and that's not being negative that's just accepting reality right and and the reality too is I was never going to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company not because I couldn't do the actual work I might have been able to but that's not the major skill the major skill is the sort of ability to put up with mounds and mounds of you know

[6:08] awful stuff right I just I don't have the patience for that I just don't I don't have the patience for the corporate politics and those things now you say well you if you had a positive attitude you could you could develop the patience it's like well yes we only have so much time and we have to decide how we want to develop ourselves and I would much rather develop genuine

[6:43] skills for connecting with and and building relationships with people then developing the kind of political skill that's necessary in the Big Time corporate world and by the way I'm not saying it's bad to have those skills or that people who have them have done something wrong I I don't mean that at all what I'm saying is they've chosen to focus their time in that area and I chose to focus mine in a different area that would make me happier

[7:21] and part of being for me part of the definition of being successful is not being miserable most of the time right um and again everybody has to choose their definition of success now for some people they they enjoy that environment they thrive on it the competition the ability to outmaneuver all and and God bless them I don't I that's just not it's not an atmosphere that I enjoy I prefer a collaborative

[7:57] atmosphere um you know an atmosphere where you know it's not a zero-sum game where we can work together to raise the tide so to speak and so you know that's why I want to come back to what I said at the very beginning in order for us to succeed we have to Define what success looks like for each of us and that's difficult I'm watching my daughter go through this

[8:32] process and it's it's really difficult it's really hard at times to see her struggle with it you know what's going to make me happy so I once I asked her I said How would how how would you define succession success to me is as I would be happy say okay well what would make you happy I don't know now believe me I don't think I had any better answer when I was her age than

[9:09] than she had for me she's she's a teenager and and and she's just beginning that Journey and she's gonna figure it out and hopefully I'll get to help her do that and and be a part of that and be able to share with her some of the things I've learned you know in the last Decades of being alive you know that that have helped me and and that's you know that would that's that's worthwhile to me I would

[9:44] rather you know again learn I would rather spend my time doing that than um you know learning some other skill that isn't going to suit me for a job that I'm going to really be able to sink my teeth into in any event right so I I think this is this is the the the real key um if we can figure out what what we want most then after that it's not a matter of having a positive

[10:21] attitude or an upbeat you know energized personality maybe you need that in order to be a performer uh I'm you know perhaps okay and and of course I have to be somewhat upbeat when I'm you know doing a show because I need to convey some energy to you to engage you so that you'll you know enjoy watching this and and you'll hopefully give some thought to you know what I'm saying um but in most of my business dealings I work to be actually pretty low-keying

[10:58] because that's that's who I am if you're naturally upbeat then yeah be naturally upbeat be positive if you're naturally low-key I recommend just be your natural low-keyed self don't think you have to reinvent yourself into some sort of you know I'll use a Yiddish term here Maven of positivity it's not going to come off as genuine and and when you interact with people people can sense that why is this guy so

[11:34] you know I'm reminded of uh the the movie uh oh shoot I lost the name it was it was about the early days of television and the guy is like oh he's going like this and and the the woman he wants to fall in love with him just can't stand him because he's just all over the place it's like yeah I get it places stay away right now if you're negative unfortunately having a negative attitude is is is that's just not going to be productive because you'll talk yourself out of

[12:09] doing what you need to do and productivity the ability the self-discipline to take the steps that you need to take in order to work your plan for success that's what's going to make the difference you've got to build a plan that's authentic to who you are right and this is so this is why you know when I when I talk about mindset over here in the three pillars of attainment it's it's it's

[12:45] our mindset it's not my mindset that I'm giving to you that's not going to do you any good my my mindset is only going to work for me I can talk to you about things that I've used to improve my mindset and some of those may work for you yeah I'll digress for a minute here's one of my favorite this is from from back in college right so um I had a lot of friends in college who well not a lot but I had friends in college who they would study and study

[13:22] and study and study and they still wouldn't do well on an exam and then they were very very upset and I wanted to you know make them feel better and so I I came up with this philosophy I said the only true road to happiness in test taking is to not study now if your parents if your children are watching this you may want to have them go away okay just you know I don't want to cause you trouble

[13:57] but it is it is let me give you the logic behind this if you want to be happy when you're taking tests don't study here's why if you study and study especially if you study hard and you pass okay well good I mean but you should have because you studied and you studied hard I mean you can be glad but it's not going to be happy because you spent the time and you studied and you should have done you should have passed the test now if you studied and studied hard and

[14:33] you didn't pass the test you're gonna feel awful you're going to be angry like you know you start with the how stupid am I all that kind of stuff that we come up with when you know we do something that we think we shouldn't have done it's like I I spend hours and hours and days and weeks studying and I blew the test Anyway come on what's wrong with you you know hit yourself up the side of the head kind of thing okay let's look at the flip side let's say you didn't study at all now if you didn't study at all and you

[15:08] failed the test or you didn't pass the test no reason to be mad you didn't study so okay I'll take it in stride okay but if you didn't study at all and you pass the test that's happiness right it's like I passed the test I don't even have to waste my time studying now of course I'm saying that somewhat tongue-in-cheek but but you see that for me that works because I had to take

[15:44] um a a an exam um a few weeks ago or a couple weeks or whatever it was and and I'm like studying and it's like oh I just can't do this anymore it's just uh you know I I just couldn't spend any more time with it and I said okay you know what I'm just gonna go take the test if I blow the test I I you know no I won't have any reason to be upset because I you know probably didn't study as much as I should have but I just can't I'm just I'm just gonna take the chance um and you know because I was doing these

[16:19] practice tests and I wasn't getting a high enough score on them and all this kind of stuff and it's like ah I went to the test and I passed and when I saw the results I'm like hey you know I didn't waste my time I didn't drive myself not studying I shouldn't say waste my time but I didn't dry myself not studying and I passed and all that matters with these kind of tests that you pass it doesn't matter whether you get an A or a b or a c when you know as long as I got above the minimum or minimum score or higher that's all I cared about because because nobody was ever going to say well what what score did you get on the you know exam for passing that license that nobody's gonna

[16:54] ask me that nobody cares I got the license yeah and and that works for me that's part of my mindset is to make up these kind of of um I don't know sort of games if you will that allow me to live with the results of the decisions that I make and and continue to move forward right from the early days when I started my first business this is back in the sort of mid to late 1980s um I had no experience in business I was

[17:29] an architecture major as I think I've mentioned I I had no experience in business neither of my parents were in business my paternal grandfather was in business but he died when um he yeah he died when I was you know pretty young um I mean I knew him but I never knew him as an adult or anything where the things you know there were things I could have uh you know learned from him and so you know I'm building my company and and I would make these mistakes and I'd lose you know thousands of dollars in potential income or or I'd lose you know money out of my actual money out of my pocket and it and it and it would it

[18:05] really bugged me at first it's like how can you now Kevin how can you be so stupid about you come on get with the program you know your lung cancer kind of thing and then one day I was probably running or something and and it occurred to me you know I never went to Business School or anything like that so all these mistakes that I was making that were costing me money I need to look at it in terms of well what would it have cost me to go to the Wharton School which for my mind that was for whatever reason that was like

[18:40] the the business school right so I looked up what it cost to go to the Wharton School and whatever it was at the time you know probably you know ten twenty thousand dollars a semester you know even way back then and and when I would make one of these mistakes I'd say to myself okay well I just bought myself you know another semester at the Wharton School foreign that's and and that's that's how I started my business you know and eventually rarely did I have to buy even a refresher course at Wharton because I you know I learned I you know these that was my school my school was a

[19:16] School of Hard Knocks I suspect a lot of you are familiar with this school right it gives you a big swift kick in your backside and you go oh okay maybe I shouldn't do that again right um and and rather than getting down on ourselves just you know okay what what's a philosophy that will allow me to accept the results and move on okay and you know some people would say well well that's positivity it's like okay I mean maybe to me that's just part of my desire to live a calm life

[19:52] you know be able to take care of the responsibilities that I have and you know keep being productive keep getting things done keep being able to help people take care of my daughter etc etc so you know as I was thinking about this over the last few weeks and and if for those of you who saw you know one of the uh social media posts about the show so you saw I think really the key to success is the ability to deal with failure

[20:29] if we're gonna let failure stop us then we're not going to get to our goals we're just not but if we can put failure in its proper context then we can move on from it and just treat it as a lesson right so very early in my real estate career I took it was it called a sales boot camp it was given by a guy in the name of Tommy Hopkins now some of you who have been around the real estate business a long time you may

[21:05] have met and or taken a class from Tommy Hopkins or if you've been a long time he was a real estate agent I believe was in Orange County very very successful really charismatic guy and when I realized that my sales skills were not what they needed to be early on in my business I spent what what was to me a big chunk of money at the time probably you know several hundred dollars that I didn't really have and I went to his whatever was a three or four Day sales boot camp and one of the things he made us do was

[21:41] one second here somebody joining me I think we'll see um one of the things um that he um he had us memorized was it was a phrase and this is not exactly what it was um but it was I never see failure as failure but only the information that I need in order to progress to the next stage of my professional development some something along those lines

[22:18] um I mean back when I took the boot camp you had to be able to say it you know verbatim to to win uh one of the prizes um and you know I did not win one of the prices although my study partner did oops some something's messed up here one second okay and there we go okay here we go so the most important thing we can do if we want to be successful is to find our way of dealing with life's setbacks whether we want to call

[22:53] them failures setbacks mistakes you know call whatever you want I I'm not sure what we call it is is is very important at all only that we recognize that they're inevitable right none of us are perfect and especially if we're working on doing something new something we haven't done before something that's difficult we're going to make mistakes or like you know my daughter's morning it wasn't like she was trying to make the cereal box you know explode on us

[23:29] she was a little tired because she didn't sleep well the night before and and when we're tired we're maybe you know not quite as Adept at certain things and or she didn't notice it or or could it just total accident these things happen the question is not if these things are going to happen it's when these things happen how do we respond and the most important distinction that was ever made for me in any kind of training class that I ever took was

[24:06] recognizing the difference between a reaction and a response and you say well no those are the same thing I always thought so I did until someone explained to me the difference a reaction is just some stimulus and we give back immediately with no thought now by the way sometimes we need to react you know if we're

[24:42] driving a car and all of a sudden someone comes out from between two cars our reaction is to swerve and not hit the person good reaction right but aside from those kind of um high stakes situations most of the time we don't want to react we want to respond and what I was taught was stimulus beat respond and that beat in between the stimulus

[25:17] and the response is crucial because it's in that moment that we can make a conscious decision what to do what what to say how to say it tone of voice look on our face now please don't mistake I'm not saying that I'm even necessarily good at this I think the best I can say is I'm better at it now than I was you know 30 years ago or you know 35 years ago when I

[25:53] started my business career um but it's it's a lifelong it's yeah a lifelong development of a skill stimulus beat response so if I'm on a telephone call with someone and they and they say something and and my I sometimes I can you've probably had this experience yourself someone will say something you can feel you go like your whole body tightens up right and you want to like probably not going to help make this help the situation out not going to make

[26:29] things better take a Beat okay how do I need to respond that's what the beat says to me now what's a good response what's a good response God heard you wrong um because you can't possibly have meant X because that's just not who you are so can you peel that onion for me a little bit

[27:06] and and you know 99 of the time yeah I misperceived what they've said or or done all right or they didn't realize how they were coming off and you know they they didn't have the intention of doing something that in as they reflect back on it was shall we say counterproductive hurtful rude whatever right and by the way even if it was on purpose

[27:43] what good does it do you know if someone opens up the you know 16-inch guns on you as we say in the Navy what good does it do to open up the 18 inch guns back on them it's that's not it's not going to make the situation better so what I find is if I take that beat in the middle I can have a more effective way I can figure out a more effective way to respond and then if they if they did do it on purpose that gives them the opportunity to to gracefully back down

[28:21] and apologize hopefully okay now it's it's it's it's a really difficult skill a really difficult skill for me it's the most difficult skill I've ever worked to develop because we're reactive we have feelings we you know we're conditioned in certain cases to you know fight or flight these kind of things I mean I'm not a psychologist so and I'm not trying to pretend to be one these are the kind of things

[28:58] that we need to teach ourselves in order to deal with the inevitable failures setbacks that we're going to encounter in life and it's not just for our professional success although that's you know what the show is about but it's in all areas of Our Lives whether it's a marriage a relationship between a child and a parent um whether it's uh you know some sort of uh hobby you know where where there's no monetary

[29:34] Stakes you know there's no money at stake or something like that we're we're still going to encounter setbacks we're going to make mistakes we're going to fail but if we want to really get more deeply into something where the real satisfaction is we've got to be able to move Beyond those points right and we don't we don't have the luxury of getting it all figured out in advance

[30:11] so that when we present it to the world ah here it is see it's perfect because we're not we're just we're just not all right so some of you who have seen some of the early editions of the show you when you see the three pillars of a team and now you see their fairly different and and candidly when I first presented it on on the I think it was the first day of the show so I had talked to a a good friend of mine

[30:46] about it and and he said you know something about this just isn't right and I said okay yeah I mean I I hear it how do I improve it and we couldn't figure it out we couldn't figure it out and so I went with what I had and and hopefully you know it helped people it certainly helped me and I think it helps some other people as well I hope it did and then one day I think this is going now back about six eight months ago maybe a little bit more

[31:21] it suddenly dawned on me I was too myopic and how I was looking at the pillars and a new organizational scheme came to my mind that I realized fit more closely how we tend to handle Our Lives and when I ran it by my friend and I sent it to him I said what do you think about this he said yeah this is much more on the right track he said it's not perfect I'm like got it but he's this is much more like

[31:57] it right and and I try and make you know try and avoid making the perfect the enemy of the good and the better or the excellent right if if we're going to wait around for everything to be perfect we're gonna wait around our whole lives we're never going to do anything okay so you know was it was it a mistake to release the earlier version I don't think so um ideas are sometimes like you know I know this is cliche they're like why

[32:32] they need some time to develop to mature that sort of thing um and and they they need time to develop within us as well so we call it maturity with a human being as well right so our ability to absorb new ideas filter them through our value system apply them to our lives or discard them because not every idea that comes to us

[33:07] is is an idea that we ought to adapt I'm sorry not not adapt it's not an idea that we should adopt we may need to adapt it in order to adopt it yes I'm here every Wednesday don't forget to tip your waiter okay so we need to give ourselves the ability to work through that process without getting all bogged down in oh I can't do this I'm a failure I don't know I shouldn't bother no we've got to have a philosophy about it

[33:42] and so the the bottom line philosophy I I think is most important is to have a philosophy of learning and growing that's how we can get over failure right if if our lives are about learning and growing then failure is just one part of that process right so I I have a friend Ryan gottfredson who we did a show together um I think probably a couple of years ago now um and Ryan

[34:17] um originally started out dealing with mindsets and one of the things he talked about was this growth mindset it was a it was a real Cornerstone of his work and more recently he's gotten involved or not not gotten involved but he's been developing what he calls vertical development and he's realized it's it's it's more than mindset it's about learning and growth hopefully that you know is a very short summary of what Ryan has been working on now for for quite a number of

[34:53] years but what he has found in in his Consulting and in in the workshops he gives Etc the trainings he does is there's there's more to us than just having you know a a positive mindset or even a growth mindset per se it's a more holistic process I think and that's I believe how we need to approach it so while we may be just talking about you know professional success here you can't separate professional success from

[35:30] the ability to create and create build solidify relationships and you know I know you'll call me a chauvinist I don't mean in this way but like you know men when you were younger in dating did you have a woman say to you where's this relationship at and of course our typical response was I don't know where do you think it's at and she'd say well you know if a

[36:06] relationship isn't growing it's dying okay and in our smugness most of us men are sitting there going oh malarkey um see we should have let's just listened because to a large extent that's true for relationships for a relationship to grow it has to grow if we're staying here in a relationship eventually it's going to atracy

[36:42] especially if we have some relationships that are growing and others that are not so by comparison it looks like this relationship is atrophying while you know these other ones are growing and you say well that's not what I intend okay fine um intention though um unfortunately only counts for so much in this world action reality is really what's important you know if if I intend not to raise my

[37:21] voice to my daughter um and then because I'm tired I raise my voice to my daughter pretty sure the fact that I intended not to do that isn't going to be a great deal of Solace for her because I still raised my voice to her and that feels awful to have your dad raise your voice to you right so we have to create a decision and that's why for example in the under the percentage we have learning I'm just learning's right here

[37:56] opposite uh you know when you point at things learning is crucial to growing I mean we can grow physically just by you know eating and sleeping and all that kind of stuff but if we want to grow emotionally mentally which is going to be required if we want more professional success especially you know the way the world works today we have to keep growing um in these other areas and perhaps more importantly well not

[38:31] more importantly as important we have to be an Avenue through which other people can grow as well so we can all grow together okay now I'm not going to ask you to all hold hands and sing Kumbaya presumably you know that's not my thing having said that what I mentioned a little while ago is true we we can raise the tide together much more easily than we can doing it individually right

[39:06] the whole is greater than the sum of the parts this has been a theme for me this week for somehow in disparate conversations has come up several times and I do think you know especially here in the United States we are most of us pretty resource rich now that I'm not saying we're all financially wealthy that's not what I mean when I say we're resource Rich what I mean is if we want to do something

[39:41] there are people businesses organizations out there that will help us do that they'll help us accomplish our goals and in many cases it will cost us little or nothing to Avail ourselves of that help so that's why I say we're resource rich right I was talking to somebody actually I was sitting in a meeting yesterday where um you know uh on on this uh this uh organization um there I think they have more people

[40:17] making six figures than any company in the history of the world basically right and it costs virtually nothing to get started uh about a hundred bucks 99 I think they said right and you say oh come on it's got to be a scam um no it's not now I'm not saying you know you pay your 99 bucks and you have you have you know financial success I don't mean that at all you have to work you have to be just self-disciplined etc etc there's You're Gonna Learn you gotta you have to grow all of that is part of it but there's many many people there to help

[40:56] help you know each other be successful without charging it's all part of how the whole system works it's it's really quite fascinating right do you talk to my friend um Bill gross we were just on the phone before the show started bill is part of um exp Realty it's it's a it's a fascinating company you know bill has told me some things about it and it's all geared toward providing a path for people to have professional success without having to start with a ton of

[41:32] money right you still have to be self-disciplined you still have to you know do the work all that kind of stuff but if if you do the system works right so that's what I'm saying we we need to be open to this learning and growth because even if it's exp or this other company I was listening in on it's it's not like you know it it goes like this it doesn't it goes

[42:08] like this you have ups and you have gowns and and there you know you'll make some mistakes and you'll have some setbacks and you know for some people they get a setback that puts them out of the game that's what we want to avoid we want to be able to face those setbacks and go okay what what can I learn from this or you know after them wow you know okay okay get it all get it all out you know get the ons down get

[42:44] the anger out you know don't hold inside you know to paraphrase Woody Allen gives you cancer um you know of course I'm not saying you know subtend your anger or whatever the psychological phrases get get it out get it out get all the negativity out nothing wrong with that okay don't do it on your spouse or your children please don't kick your cat as um Zig Ziglar used to talk about um you know go I don't know go boxing you know go on a hard bike ride go pound the ground I don't know however you know you can do it without

[43:20] hurting somebody else um you know probably shouldn't drink you know when you're in that state but uh you know get it out just just it out of your system okay and then once you got it out okay now now now now I can move on now I can go back to figuring out how can I be productive what can I learn from this how can I grow okay and by the way um not not all failures can be gotten over and you know

[43:55] an hour or a day for that matter some failures really throw us for a loop and we've we've we've got to take the time to heal from them before we can go forward before we we are resourceful enough to um you know learn the lessons and and experience the growth that that particular failure is is going to lead us to okay and in uh I don't think I've spoken about this before maybe I did on my colleague's show back a while so in

[44:31] Judaism when somebody close to us dies and we're we're supposed to do what's called sit Shiva sit as in you know like I said so what Shiva is is a Hebrew word that basically means seven and the practice is after the funeral for the person we sit for seven days it's actually six and a half we can you know if you want to know the details on that let me know um and just grieve for our loss

[45:06] and grieve as deeply as we can talk about what we've lost talk about how it's affected us how it's hurt us so it's not just when somebody important to us dies that we need to grieve other disruptions in our life necessitate grieving right the breakup of an important relationship the loss of an important job

[45:41] being forced to leave your home a terribly God forbid violent you know situation all of these can easily necessitate a grieving process and I would argue the worst thing we can do is go oh well I'm okay this was kind of traumatic but I got to be positive I I gotta move on it's like well in my experience and I'm now drawing on my

[46:17] experience as a Chaplain what I found is is people who did that tend to get ambushed down the road could be a year two three years something happens that bring back those unresolved memories issues and all of a sudden the person is there they feel awful they they're disconcerted disoriented and they don't know why and when we sit down and talk about it what we find is there was this event that happened in the past that they never grieved through

[46:54] they just moved on and that's not that's not emotionally healthy either so I mean I remember when I quit my first job I was glad to quit and I thought I'd be happy to not have to work there anymore but you know what I was disoriented for for uh you know a few weeks and and I it took me that time to sort of get back on my feed and get myself going in a uh you know a better Direction after that

[47:31] there's nothing wrong with that that's a natural part of life so that's why I say this whole idea of you got to be positive you got to be positive it can be literally toxic at times sometimes mistakes failures the vicissitudes of life surprise us really throw us for a loop and positivity is is I'm sorry it's it's it's not going to get us through okay I mean the joke I make and you know I hope

[48:06] nobody God forbid anybody is I mean you know why you're sad well you know my parent passed away last week I mean you we really should say to this person oh come on be positive what's the good part of that nothing I mean unless you hated your parents right but you know what I'm saying I mean let's let's let's just be honest here right sometimes we have to embrace the hurt

[48:45] in order to resolve it and if we lost out on a big deal in in our business career listen oh well I just spent six months on this deal I fell through it's beyond salvaging oh well foreign I'm not so sure I mean at least have a post post-mortem you know um these are the kind of things I think we need to be aware of to have a really durable resilient

[49:22] mindset a mindset that's geared toward growth right and that's why I recommend and that's why I you know kind of titled this episode you know the most important thing about your mindset is learning to deal with or work through the failures the setbacks in some cases we can work through them in about this much time like spilling cereal on the floor this morning other times

[49:58] it could reasonably take months and that has to be okay and by the way our friends will oftentimes sort of get with and say come on snap out of it this is the best you're gonna you're gonna see this is the best thing that ever happened to you um I'm sorry in the midst of it well I I acknowledge those things are well-meaning they're probably not particularly helpful

[50:36] one of the most powerful situations I ever heard about was a friend of a rabbi friend of mine had to go visit someone in the hospital and when he got there there was always there was already someone sitting by the person's bedside and the person was just sitting there and he sat there for a while longer and then he noticed my friend in the doorway

[51:12] and she said oh are you here to visit he said yes he said yes he said he said oh I I can go if you'd like he said no I don't want to interrupt you he says no I've been here for an hour I I can go now and he said you've been sitting there for an hour he said yeah he said what did you talk to him about I didn't talk to him I just came and sat so he knew that there was someone who

[51:47] cared enough to come and sit now I would say that is an amazing demonstration of caring too often we want to show our caring by doing something active right oftentimes that is making us feel better but it's not necessarily helping the person we want to help sometimes what that person really needs is just to know that there's someone

[52:23] there I'm here if you need something I'm here I'm on your side and I'm content to just be here so you know that there's a lot of peacefulness in that knowledge a lot of strength that can be drawn from that knowledge and that too is is part of building this

[53:03] learning growth mindset that is so crucial to us dealing with the inevitable setbacks failures that we're going to encounter in all the different aspects of Our Lives so I'm be very very curious to know what you think about this uh you know um I've I've heard so many of these you know positivity speakers

[53:39] um and and I I sincerely just don't think that's the right answer um it's not sustainable you know I mean life is not a Sprint it's also not a marathon life is a series of wind Sprints we've got to be able to go for a while and then rest and go for a while and then rest um and we in the resting periods we've we've got to be able to rejuvenate ourselves our bodies Our Minds our spirits that's what's

[54:15] you know that's what will get us through that's what will bring us success I think for sure however we Define that I don't know if you know do you have a dollar amount tied to your success do you have the achievement of a particular goal in mind a particular way you want to feel about yourself all of these are absolutely I mean you shouldn't need me I don't think you need me to tell to say this but all whatever

[54:52] your definition of success is it's perfectly valid it doesn't matter if it's different than any everybody else's in in the world we inhabit today we get to decide what success means to us I I know there's still some social pressures I I get it I get it um but far less than there was half a century ago that's for sure where so much of our Lives is pretty much you know dictated by how Society operated and it's it's it's a difficult thing to have to figure that out on our own and

[55:27] that's a lot of what this you know show is about is is helping us working together to figure these things out so you know don't worry about being positive all the time nobody is not even these guys who are telling you you got to be positive focus on when I get it get a setback how do I learn how do I grow how do I use that in order to become a better me

[56:06] that's more resilient and more able to move closer to my goals closer to the objectives that Define My Success and if you can do that you are absolutely Unstoppable so it just uh anyway I would love it if you would leave uh a

[56:41] comment a question if you disagree with me for sure please leave me a comment tell me why you disagree with me I'd like to know Maybe I'm Wrong or maybe something that I've said um is is mistaken so by all means give me your thoughts I'd love to hear it that's number one number two if you have a remarkable way of making a living let me know message send me an email you'll see if you go on those show notes

[57:17] to the show after it posts on our YouTube Channel shoot me an email let me know about what you're doing I'll have you as a guest or if you know someone that you think has a remarkable way of making a living by the way I'm not interested in people who are making you know 10 billion dollars a year we're not going to do that I'm I'm interested in people who really enjoy what they're doing they're able to take care of themselves and or their families really doing something that that they just sunk their teeth into um so if you know someone like that let me know about them okay and I'll you

[57:53] know I'll get in touch with them and say Hey you know your friend's such and such said you'd be a great guest for the show love to have you on help us all you know raise the tide as we as I've said already several times this show and so now it just is for me to say thank you very very much for watching if you know of someone who's struggling send them a link to the show maybe this will help them or just send them my email and say Hey you know this crazy rabs guy from the Navy you know he he was a chaplain for years um

[58:28] you know he might have something worthwhile that that that will help you when you're ready feel free to do that that's that's why I do this and and I like to end the show as you know by acknowledging someone who was very very important in my life really helped me uh ReDiscover who I who I am um allowed me to take care of her um when she needed someone to do that and so Marie darling you are still and

[59:07] always will be my bell so thanks for joining me I hope you enjoyed the show I hope you found it more importantly I hope you found something useful here maybe just a kernel or a nugget you can apply to your life join us next week Wednesday 12 30 p.m Pacific Time 3 30 p.m Eastern Time an hour in for West for uh mountain and central time and we will talk more about the way to wow people making money thanks so much