The WAY to WOW Shows
GW’s Rules of Civility Applied to Business
February 18, 2025
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[0:00] [Music] who are you and where are you going what do you [Music] want hello and welcome to business lessons from the military I'm your host Kevin bemel and we're here every Tuesday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific time to talk about military history military Doctrine and the practices of great military leaders

[0:35] all for by way of distilling lessons that we can apply to our businesses and professional practices so today in honor of um the birthday of the father of our country George Washington which is coming up on Saturday Wednesday the 22nd uh I'm devoting this show to one of the most uh wonderful little books I have ever read and it's called um I don't if you can see there you go Rules of Civility uh and and uh and Decent

[1:11] Behavior in company and conversation this this book was written by George Washington and it contains uh over a hundred rules I believe uh 108 rules uh for uh proper conduct when you're around other people and I've taken from those 108 we're not going to go through all 108 don't worry um I've taken I believe it's seven or eight uh examples uh yeah seven examples

[1:47] that uh best apply to our working lives um to to uh you know review with you uh and uh and and and hopefully um give you some food for thought on how how to act in the workplace so um before getting into the show and and I'm going to talk about um um George Washington's military career uh two two two things before I get into that one is on Friday I'm doing an act a special edition of the way to

[2:23] wow show in honor of the celebration of George Washington's birthday I know that um it's it's celebrated um as a Federal holiday on President's Day and uh for those you've been watching the show for the last couple of weeks you've heard me say don't don't like the holiday president day um in in in my estimation there have been uh two presidents of the United States worthy of recognition by all Americans uh Abraham Lincoln uh whose birthday we celebrated last week

[2:59] and George Washington whose birthday we celebrate this week um to imply that um there should be a day to celebrate the president of the United States to me smacks a little bit of imperialism um and it also um let's be honest there's probably no one uh in in the country who thinks all presidents did an equally good job and some of them did a downright bad job that's number one and number two the idea that we need to honor the Office of the President um

[3:35] uniquely from say uh the speaker of the house or the Chief Justice of the United States or some other official I I I I find mystifying um the presidency was set up specifically not to be an imperial position by George Washington who was offered uh the the job of being in essence the Perpetual president or King of the United States and so um and so i i cho choose to celebrate Washington's birthday on on its actual

[4:10] date or this year the day before because because I don't work on Saturdays so I'll get off my soap box now on that issue um the other thing is um this book um and you can see it's it's a very short little book it's it's actually beautifully done the quality of the paper is is superb um it's a it's a um uh what do you call it a paperback covered book um but you can see that there's kind of a fly leaf if you will on the covers so this book uh was published by the

[4:45] Mount Vernon ladies Association in Mount Vernon Virginia in 1989 I don't know if this is still available uh I'll I'll I'll check before I post the show notes I'll put a link either to this version which hopefully can be bought um at the um um Mount Vernon uh uh ladies association website um and and it's a it's a wonderful organization to support um because they maintain Mount Veron Mount Vernon as an historical site um I haven't had the

[5:22] opportunity to go there I I I really want to um but I I I think it's wonderful that there's an organization to preserve George Washington's Legacy and so although normally I put a um um a link to Amazon um in in this case I'm going to put the link to the um uh the mountain Vernon ladies Association and and um I get nothing for doing that but I urge you uh to to support them so so I want to first talk about um George Washington's uh military career

[5:59] career um I will talk about his early life and his time during the presidency on the show on Friday um but for this show business lessons from the military the appropriate portion is of course his military career so uh George Washington began his military career in 1752 uh he was a he was about 20 years old um and his older half brother Lawrence Washington had died basically leaving 20-year-old George Washington in

[6:35] charge of the Family Estate at Mount Vernon um that same year uh 1752 he was appointed a major in the Virginia militia by Governor Robert uh deny and in 1753 at just 21 years old he was sent on a diplomatic mission to the Ohio Valley to warned the French to leave the British claimed territory um and and this particular mission on his part uh made him well known in the colonies and

[7:11] really started um what became uh the um um raising of of George Washington in the eyes of his countrymen to eventually be being considered the father of of our country so uh Washington's first uh combat experience came during the French and Indian War uh which lasted from 1754 to 1763 it was concurrent with the Seven Years War in in Europe between England

[7:46] and France and indeed was in many ways an extension of it so um as I mentioned at the time uh George Washington was a major in the Virginia militia um and um in uh 1754 um George Washington LED an expedition that resulted in the Skirmish at janville Glenn um which was part of the spark of the French and Indian War um he built and later unfortunately

[8:21] surrendered uh Fort Necessity after a French Counterattack in July of that year um he served as an Aid to British general Edward bradoock during the failed 1955 Expedition against against Fort Duke Ken I I I should have mentioned that of course the um this was prior to the United States as a country so the the the colonies the 13 colonies were were still just that they were colonies of Great Britain and so in the French and Indian War which was the British

[8:57] against the the the French who Allied many of the Native American tribes in in uh in America at that time uh the the colonies um for the most part uh fought on the British side so um among the um uh other um incidents in which Washington was involved during the French and Indian War includes the Battle of manang Galia uh where he showed a great deal of leadership and and um he and and he organized The

[9:32] Retreat um after General bradoock was mortally wounded um he W he really he gained a a reputation for for tremendous bravery um by having horses shot out from under him and and and finding after a battle there were bullet holes in his coat and yet remaining unharmed himself in some ways uh one one could conclude that that George Washington lived somewhat of a Charmed Life in 1955 he was promoted to Colonel and

[10:08] appointed as commander of the the Virginia militia and he led defensive operations against the Native Americans and the French um when they raided Virginia's Frontier um he um resigned from military service in 1758 before the end of the French and Indian War um after participating in the successful capture of Fort duken uh after the uh his his time in the French and Indian War um George Washington returned to Mount

[10:45] Vernon uh you know it it's it's likely that he wanted a quiet retirement even though at that point he was only uh 26 years old um but but that was not U what what was to be so um in 1775 the Second Continental Congress um which was um debating the um which was debating among other things whether the United States should declare its independence from Great Britain uh George Washington was appointed

[11:20] commanderin-chief of the Continental Army um he was made I believe a two-star general if if memory serves um and he um was faced with essentially uh building an army from poorly trained and poorly supplied forces um and throughout um the the um the war for the American war for independence uh Washington relied greatly on strategic

[11:55] Retreat uh in order to keep a incedible military force existing as a threat to to British forces that were seeking to quell the American Revolution so some some key moments um in his leadership during the American Revolution uh this the seize of uh The Siege of Boston 1775 1776 in which the British were forced to evacuate um his bold crossing of the Del Ware River in 1776 leading to the

[12:32] victories at Trenton and Princeton which has been memorialized in a painting that um I mean it used to be every American school kid knew that painting I'm not sure that that's the case today uh as well there was the survival um of the harsh winter at Valley Forge between uh from 1777 to 1778 uh where he reorganized and trained his troops with the help of Baron von stubin um who was yes he was German um and and it may seem a little bit strange

[13:08] because German hesan uh troops basically had been hired by King George to augment the British troops um in in the in in America in the American colonies um but nonetheless Baron von stubin who's a quite a interesting character um took took an active hand and at Val Forge in in sort of um re retraining and reorganizing um the American forces and then of course there was the Victory at Yorktown of

[13:43] 1781 um where with French support wa George Washington uh forced the British to surrender um essentially capturing them between his forces on the one side and the French Fleet on the other um and that effectively ended the war although um the the the Treaty of gent I think it was um that officially end the war wasn't entered into until two years later in 17 83 so um it is it is absolutely the case um that um George Washington won the

[14:20] American Revolution on on behalf of his countrymen um there was probably nobody in the American colonies at that time that could have pulled off um such a victory and um I will talk about this um on Friday as well um and and something I noted about uh uh Washington's overall strategy in the American Revolution which is that he relied often on strategic retreat in order

[14:55] to uh maintain a viable threat to British forces um only a man I think of tremendous humility um would have been able to continue to use that strategy uh and use it effectively in the face of what was at times uh harsh uh criticism um I.E why doesn't he take the fight to the British and the reason he didn't take the fight to the British was because generally speaking his soldiers they were not regular soldiers they were

[15:33] at best militia men and and oftentimes just Farmers um he had not very many well-trained troops and in fact um often times he had to set up his battle lines where in essence he had a thin line of well-trained troops a whole bunch of untrained or essentially untrained troops in the middle and then another thin line of troops behind them and because they were within those those two lines of well-trained troops the untrained or or not well-trained um soldiers um were were uh sometimes

[16:12] inspired to respond better and sometimes uh were I don't want to use the word coerced but um you know they didn't want to risk you know running through lines of what were um obviously uh well-trained troops um and so they they you know felt forced to stand their ground or they felt they had to stand their ground so all of these show the really the military Genius of of George Washington and and and and he he benefited too from the contempt of of

[16:49] British military leadership uh and and again his humidity humidity his humility allowed him uh to not particularly care that that the French um I mean that the English uh leadership thought him to be uh a poor opponent a bad leader all these things um George Washington only cared about um the the United States um and a and achieving a a military victory in a way that would support the cause of

[17:26] Independence and so that that he was um pillared verbally um in in you know by um British military leadership and and and also at times by um his fellow Americans I I'm I'm I'm would imagine it it affected him somehow but he didn't let that um sway him from what he knew had to be done and from doing the right thing and and and so I think it's important um you know there there are some

[18:02] military leaders who are able to uh um have an extraordinarily high opinion of them an extraord yeah extraordinarily high opinion opinion of themselves uh like one of my favorites General George Patton uh and and and they're able to make good on that um but for for most of us uh having um a sense of humility as military leaders is incredibly important and I think as Business Leaders having a sense of

[18:38] humility is also crucial if we really want our businesses to succeed then we need to be willing to own up to our mistakes we need to be willing to listen to valid criticisms of our of of our performance we need to be willing to listen to people who are less experienced than than we are um and and and be willing to where it seems uh reasonable to adopt those ideas and give due credit to to the people who who

[19:14] generate those ideas so uh while that's not part of the uh Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior I think that is an important lesson that we can learn from uh the the military portion of George Washington's life so um in in in the in his book The Rules of of of Civility um and Decent Behavior in company and conversation like I said I I I picked seven uh rules that I think apply specifically to our our business and

[19:50] professional lives and so I'm going to I'm going to read the actual rule you'll see they're all very short quite piffy of course they're written in the language of of the day um and and uh and then just briefly you know talk about um how I think that this relates to to the business world so rule number one every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present uh and and this this I think is a rule not just

[20:28] for business but for life but um in particular in the business World respect and professionalism must Prevail so I know in in my business activities uh whether it's my own my own behavior or the behavior of the people with whom I work um you know for example I administrate you know trust and Estates as as many or all of you know so when I have people with whom I'm involved in the administration of an State respect and professionalism is is expected um I

[21:03] don't I don't u u permit people to yell and scream uh to to call people bad names and if someone does that to them um that person is is not going to be a part uh going forward so I I I will not I I the people with whom I work know that I will not tolerate them being um a abused by other people um that that is that is not acceptable and so I think that you know the the the the very basic rule is is to treat um all people

[21:41] decently okay that doesn't mean we necessarily have to respect their values for example especially if those values are not very good um but we need to treat people with decency and professionalism I think that's a a better way to put it than than respect um and merely because for example we don't respect their values isn't grounds to treat them indecently we still have to treat them decently so that that's that's what I I would glean from rule

[22:16] number one rule number four in the presence of others sing not to yourself with a humming noise nor drum with your fingers or feet now this you know you may think wow I mean really um and but you know it's it's it's funny how life kind of works out I was watching one of my all-time favorite TV shows uh last yesterday evening um before going to bed Hogan's Heroes and it was an episode where Colonel clink is has been uh forced to defend um a a a

[22:54] particularly beloved uh German individual a German military individual and uh his commanding officer General Burkhalter is the prosecutor and Colonel clink is annoying him and so he tells him to shut up sit down and then Colonel clink Colonel clink proceeds to um drum his fingers on the table and he says stop that drumming right so um if if Colonel clink had studied George Washington he would have known uh not not to do that but uh I I think what this really comes down to is of course

[23:29] um we we we may have uh what we may have habits that that are annoying to other people and we need to be aware of our behaviors we need to be thoughtful about how we behave and so that when we are act interacting with with colleagues with clients with customers uh with e even opponents if it's a you know particularly difficult negotiation for example so we need to be attentive to what's going on and not imply that

[24:05] somehow uh what's going on is is is boring or tedious or or not of interest to us so um even if we're not we don't think what you know being in a meeting is particularly important uh proper behavior requires that we be attentive in the meeting if if we think there's not a reason for us to be there then I think you know we're it's it's it's um incumbent on us to to say uh you know what I I I don't think I'm I'm contributing anything to this meeting so I'm gonna excuse myself and uh by all

[24:42] means you know continue or something like that now if if you're the person leading the meeting and you're finding the meeting to be um you know not productive then perhaps uh you know you need to consider ending the meeting right that'll solve the problem but but but behaving in an inattentive way is is not appropriate okay uh next uh rule 18 uh read no letters books or papers in company but when there is a necessity for doing of it you must a you must ask

[25:19] leave so um if if you're in a meeting and and maybe you're interrupted uh by uh a these these days of course we don't get letters we get you know cell phone calls and that sort of thing so I I I think that you know when we're in a meeting unless we're expecting a call from someone relevant to the meeting cell phones should be put on you know vibrate or silent mode and put away and there's no reason for them to be interrupting the meeting unless the meeting is not important in which case

[25:54] maybe the meeting needs to be ended or cancelled um because there's more important things for everybody to be doing okay so um and and if uh you know if there is you may have maybe there's some kind of emergency going on in your family and so although the meeting is important you need to have your phone handy in in case somebody somebody calls you of course that's understandable then I think it's it's appropriate to mention that at the beginning of the meeting uh I I apologize but there's an emergency going on and I I need to keep my phone

[26:29] handy and if uh I do get a call or get a text message I do need to take it and and and I'll be excusing myself from the meeting in order to do so uh it's that's again common courtesy um but also you know people don't need to know your business so um you know it's perfectly appropriate to excuse oneself from the room and and and and read the text message or or take the call and and then respond as necessary and then go back in if it requires people to bring you up to date about what transpired in the

[27:05] meeting while you had stepped out okay so be it look uh we all have to uh prioritize our lives and and certainly if there's like I said an emergency going on in your family to use an example um that would seem to be to my mind that would be more important than something going on in a business or professional context okay next rule 48 uh wherein you reprove another be unblamable yourself for example is more prevalent

[27:44] than precepts right this is an absolutely core principle to leadership right and I can't even begin to count how many times I've heard and seen leaders do things that they would rebuke their subordinates for doing right uh and and I I in fact I I'll I was talking to some friends last night um about this um when I was uh um in the

[28:20] Navy uh I I was actually underway on a submarine and it was it was bedtime I was in my rack that's Navy talk for bed and all of a sudden the ship's alarm went off and uh the uh executive officer called for the damage control team to I think it was the torpedo room if memory serves um it was nerve-wracking because we were underwater I'm not I don't recall How far underwater but far enough underwater that uh it was it was scary that to think that there was some kind

[28:55] of um problem in the ship that required the damage control team to respond um and after a minute or so I smelled smoke coming out of the ventilation system and indeed there was a fire on board the boat and uh you know well done job by the damage control team they got it out with in in in about uh I think eight or nine minutes the fire had been was extinguished and um just you know a couple minutes later the EXO came on to what's What's called the 1mc that's the uh intercom system on on a Navy ship to

[29:32] let everyone know that the casualty had been dealt with and there was no longer any danger and then he he did what I thought was was great he he commended the damage control team for getting it under uh control so quickly and I thought okay there you go and then he did something that I think exhibited um poor leaders ERS ship and also violated Washington's rule number 48 he then said to the damage control team now next time I'll expect you to

[30:09] respond at least a minute more a minute quicker than you did this time so congratulations but I guess not really congratulations on a job well done is what he was saying right and I think that if the captain of of the boat uh who was actually one of the finest naval officers I ever met did that to his EXO his EXO would have been very disappointed right um and you know good job but you know kind of thing um in

[30:46] reality what he should have done was waited until the next day um and sat down with him and said hey look you did a great job last night now let's talk about how we can do a better job next time what what could we do for example to respond or what could you do to respond more quickly that would be the proper way to handle it and and that's that is making because look um the EXO made mistakes he certainly did so for

[31:21] him to for him to say you know great job but um is is is almost like saying I I'm I I don't make mistakes um I I don't think that's what he meant to say I think he frankly was just not a particularly good leader and so he didn't realize the impact he was having uh so I think that we we need to be EXT As Leaders we need to be very cautious about how we um rebuke our subordinates um so that um we don't put

[31:57] ourselves in the position of of looking let alone being hypocritical which unfortunately too many leaders do so um you know there like I said I think the best way in the s in the example I gave would have been let them let them um you know glow in a job well done for at least a period of time and then look it's always legitimate to say how can we do a better job that's that's always legitimate and the fact of matter is they did a great job okay so no reason to take that away

[32:33] from them because that word but always negates everything that came before it so okay so uh rule number 42 um I want I'm going to read it again because I think this is so important wherein you reprove another be unblamable yourself for example is more prevalent than precepts okay next rule 58 let your conver let your conversation be without malice or Envy in other words um in in the words of the great um uh uh calypso

[33:10] singer uh Gossip gossip evil thing much unhappiness it bring if you can't say something nice don't talk at all is my advice I wish I could remember the name of of the the man that by choir uh got to learn with when I was in high school uh he was just it was just an amazing experience um he was um not particularly famous but one of the great um Calypso Pioneers who who subsequently came to the United States and he taught us that

[33:45] song it was it you know we're talking half a century more than half a century later I still remember um that that that time so uh you know office gossip negativity creates a toxic workplace it does nobody likes to have Tales told about them nobody likes to have their personal lives even true things about their personal lives um talked about and trot it out um among their their colleagues and peers and superiors it's it's not an

[34:20] appropriate thing to do now having said that that's not to say that you can't have relationships in the workplace that um you know have a personal component to them and have people with whom you you speak about your personal lives among your work colleagues I think that's perfectly fine perfectly appropriate certainly that's the case with me and in fact I Endeavor to build My Business and Professional relationships to the point where we can discuss our our personal

[34:55] lives in an appropriate context um and in order to build ever closer relationships but that's different than gossip gossip is designed to to harm essentially and and that is not appropriate um all it does is it it causes people to not want to be at work or or or not want to be committed to the goals of the company or the firm and so I think you know communication it es especially if it's in a meeting

[35:30] someplace like that that needs to be kept constructive if it's communication between you and a colleague um on a break or something like that even then I think the communication should not be of a gossipy nature it shouldn't be of a um negative nature uh it it can certainly like I said um touch on personal subjects but in in in a in a way that's that's appropriate okay number six uh rule number 50 be not Hasty to believe flying

[36:05] reports to the disparagement of any so uh it's really easy to believe something um especially if it's about somebody you don't like and it casts them in a negative light but the reality is just because somebody is saying it doesn't mean that it's true and in fact just because a lot of people are saying something doesn't make it true right we know that uh I I can tell you I personally e experience that um and and

[36:44] and the reality is that um often times what people are saying and the truth have no relation at all you know so what we need to do especially when we're hearing something negative is verify what's being said to us that may require us to go directly to the person about whom the negative information has been uh conveyed spoken or whatever uh that may require us to do some research um but in any event um to to believe something

[37:22] negative about someone especially if it's someone you don't like is is first of all fundamentally unjust and second it's going to make the the business environment less cooperative and therefore it's going to make it more difficult to achieve its goals now to a to the to similarly even when we hear something positive okay um we we shouldn't necessarily believe that either so it's very tempting to to to hear something positive about somebody

[37:58] we like and assume that that's true as well so for example um maybe there's just been uh you know there's just been a big victory at at a company and it's attributed to you know a particular individual well um was that individual the only one involved they they single-handedly pulled off this coup this this you know this great event um probably not I mean that's rarely the case in business uh so you know I I I think that we we need to um really check our information check

[38:35] our facts uh to make sure that what we're hearing is in is is in fact reflecting the truth likewise before saying something speaking something we need to make sure that what we're saying is true so that we're not passing on uh what amount to lies be they you know something bad about someone or or a situation or something good about someone or a situation so um I think it's it's appropriate to uh approach information that we're getting

[39:12] that of which we don't have firsthand knowledge with some skepticism until we know for sure that what we're being told is true okay and finally uh rule 52 uh wear not your clothes foul ripped or dusty but see that they be brushed once every day at least so this may sound a little bit Str brush your clothes who the heck does that well I doh you know the fact of the matter is uh for men's um clothing especially

[39:49] suits uh slacks uh Sports coats the best way to maintain them is to brush them out dry cleaning is extremely harsh on fabric and it will significantly reduce uh the lifespan of a suit um and and um uh and and the same thing is true of ties Etc so um brushing it used to be that uh when a a man uh uh both put on and took off his clothes he would he would brush them out uh and and and that

[40:25] was to make sure that you know dirt and that sort sort of thing wasn't attached to it now in at a time when you know people walked or rode horses as their primary conveyances so mud would get on them etc etc they that that was you know much more likely to um need to be brushed off but but today where there's all kinds of you know particulate in the air we don't necessarily see it on our clothing but but it's it's there and needs to be brushed out as well but the the but aside from the historical reference um the the larger reference is

[41:00] that we need to dress appropriately in the workplace um I'm astonished by how people dress in the workplace um I I know it's it's you know pretty much der riger in the technology world to wear you know jeans and a black T-shirt um uh look I I mean I I I would just never dress that way um and and uh I I think in the in the non-te business World um that that is not appropriate especially in in in the kind of work

[41:36] that I do legal um Services Finance those kinds of activities um it's it's appropriate minimally to wear a collared shirt and slacks um I you you see me on the show I wear a tie every day um to me that's appropriate dress um and I remember I I've told the story I think once before I remember um meeting my accountant for lunch I think this is a couple of years ago now and I showed up in in with with a coat and tie on and and he showed up

[42:12] in how how he normally dresses which was slacks with a a very nice um colorless shirt um and and he's like why are you so dressed up and I said because I'm having lunch with my accountant and he's saying you dressed up for me I said yes I said I think it's incumbent on me to convey to you the respect that I feel for you as a professional aside from the you know Decades of friendship that we share and he kind of mystified him a little bit because I think it's been a long time uh since since Bruce has has worn a tie and and that that that's fine

[42:49] um but but for me um you know that's that's something I value um you know if if I show up dressed like this to to lunch I think there's no doubt that uh that that you know I I respect the person I wouldn't get all doled up as we used to say um in order to you know to have lunch so um so those are seven of uh Washington's Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior that apply to our professional lives uh I I encourage you to get this book and read it um you know we're we're talking you know 60 pages

[43:28] um and and and so you could read it in in one sitting um by the by the way um the um uh the book was originally published in um I think 1757 so Washington was what 25 years old when he wrote this um that's that's a pretty amazing uh feat for such such a young man although I think you know people in Colon times certainly matured uh much much earlier than than we do in current times but um

[44:03] I I again for those of you who are regular Watchers of the show um you you know that that I I hold very highly by being a well-mannered person especially a well-mannered man um and and uh I've read you know Emily post and all of that stuff um but especially in our business lives um it's incumbent upon us to be so um it's we're either representing ourself and our business or we're representing somebody else's business uh and we we cannot

[44:40] Escape that how we behave is a reflection on on that on that business on that professional practice so I thank you very much for joining me today and if you have any thoughts comments criticisms um all the links to social media will be posted um in the show notes when when the uh episode hits uh YouTube so I invite you to um put your comments in we always love to hear them and let's see you can also send me an email my email address will be there as

[45:16] well if it's something that for whatever reason um you you don't want to say in a public context so uh tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. Pacific time is my show people making money it's our monthly economic Echoes where we break down the economic data for the from the previous H period and look into it to see how does how is this going to how does this affect our ourselves our families our loved ones the decisions we need to make with them as we pursue Our

[45:53] Lives okay and then on Friday at 10:00 a.m. rarely do I do a show on Friday it's it's what I mentioned at the beginning of this show a special edition of the way a wow shows in honor of George Washington's birthday again that's Friday at 10: am Pacific time and then next week uh on Monday at 10: am Pacific time is my show uh uh trust and Estates weekly my guest is Dana Garrett and um she's going to be talking about

[46:28] resolving impossible conflict and often times it seems like in the administration of our trust in estate the conflict is just intractable so I'm really looking forward to speaking with Dana and learning about how those situations can be dealt with more effectively and then of course seven days from today we'll be back with the next edition of business lessons from the military so I thinkk you very much for joining me especially my uh my my live my live followers always a treat to see you and wishing you a wonderful rest

[47:06] of the day and signing off as I always do Marie darling you are my bell courage at all times my friends