The WAY to WOW Shows
New Way of Building Relationships
January 15, 2025
Automatically generated from YouTube captions; names and wording may contain errors.

[0:00] [Music] who are you and where are you going what do you [Music] want hello and welcome to people making money I'm your host Kevin bemel and we are here every Wednesday at 10: a.m. Pacific time to talk about matters relating to your running a business professions wealth building all of the

[0:35] the whole financial side of life and despite writing myself a note to close my email sitting right there I always forget to do it so you hear that dinging in the background so uh today I'm gonna be talking about a new way of of building relationships and it's um actually I realize I need to bring up one other thing here this it

[1:10] no yeah see I should have had this H where is it engagement no one second I you know best laid plans of of Of Mice and Men and all that uh why am I not see I my right before the show started my web browser exploded um and I lost all of my um my

[1:53] uh um all of the tabs that I save on my browser and now I'm having trouble finding all kinds of things uh okay what are we going to do here I'm I'm trying to do the uh the the time step here while I find what I need to find and I'm not having any success at all on this platform media social aren't you just

[2:28] having a lovely time watching this images okay is this it here we go okay there we go nope that's not it shoot where is it stream oh brother okay we'll try one other place and if I

[3:04] can't find it there we're going to have to move on see always always a scintillating time here on the way to while shows right okay why am I not finding the here it is right yes okay there you go now

[3:39] okay and bang okay got it so okay now now we're not uh fished as we say in yish sorry about that so um I i' I've talked on a number of shows about relationship building um I've I've shown you how to use LinkedIn to build uh professional relationships for example uh or how to uh how how to you know connect with people so you can start building a relationship um and and

[4:15] a question was asked of me uh a while back but you know how do you grow the relationships how do you build the relationships and I've been thinking a lot about that question uh in my case it seems to happen pretty organically um and and it was when a friend of mine uh basically said to me you know you do this better than I do can you you know give me some input on how I can be more effective building

[4:52] relationships that um I started thinking about well what is it that I do and how can I present it in a way that it will be that other people will will understand it right it's all good and well for us to know how to do something intuitively or to just do without not really understanding our um our processor or whatever it is it's another thing to to explain it and so I spent uh quite a bit of time the

[5:27] end of last year putting it into a system um I I actually refined I've been refining my own system um or my own tracking system but the tracking system is what enables me to know that I'm building the relationships so I'm going to start by sharings let's see no no oh it's not going to let me do this

[6:04] is it oh okay right right right right right okay um yes yes yes so see see if it's going to let me do this on the fly so um what I need to do is bring this up let's see if it's going to do that okay oh oh cool this is even better than I thought because it's right there so I I've I've talked on a number of occasions about the three pillars of attainment and this is really the basis

[6:42] for uh not just the shows but really how I U pursue my life if you will okay and and some of you may have seen this before so I'm just G to I'm just G to um real briefly review it so right so three pillars of attend there's three pillars self relationships and Pursuits okay and it comes down to this is you know this is us as an individual our self-identity if you will relationships are all all the other PE potentially all the other

[7:17] people in the world okay and then Pursuits are are what we do that's how it breaks down okay now when we think about relationships I've broken them down into three Realms family friends and God okay uh and and I know you know for some people they don't believe in God or whatever okay fine so don't have to worry about that one okay but then relationships break down to family and friends and Friends includes I I I use that word very generally it could be colleagues it

[7:53] could be friends it could be acquaintances it could be very close friends okay so um you know this this is this is our family and this is the realm of of of other people with whom we might have a relationship okay and we we tend to think of and so my tendency has been to think of relationships only in this way but the reality is is that relationships connect to the other two Realms okay so in some cases we have um

[8:30] a friend or a a a colleague I use colleague in the sense of business colleague or professional colleague and we know them essentially um in relationship to to just that okay um in in other times we know them in relationship to some of the fun things we do we we have a relationship with them in in terms of um our financial lives sometimes we have a relationship um to them with respect to our health or our mindset okay and by the way

[9:06] sometimes a friendship or relationship encompasses a a one realm one or more Realms in all three pillars okay so what I realized was when we think about building a relationship we want to go from it being unidimensional to multi-dimensional in other words having an impact uh the the person having an impact in more than one realm of our

[9:42] life and us having an impact in more than one realm of that person's life okay so and and by the way the same is true for family members okay so we'll have deeper relationships with our family members to the extent that we have um impact on each other and our family members have impact on us in Beyond just being family members okay maybe because they're part of our of of

[10:17] sustaining our mindset maybe um they're someone that we um en enjoy some sort of hobby together with okay really depends maybe we have some sort of academic interest that we share with them okay and in so doing we flesh out we make the relationship multi-dimensional and in in in fact that is the key to building a relationship okay so you think about someone that you know at work maybe you see them every day you say hello you may

[10:54] have some interaction with them um and you know not particularly meaningful okay so that relationship is staying right here okay um how if however that relationship moves to the point where that person has a positive impact on your finances okay so maybe that person um has become a coach for you to advance your career a mentor for you

[11:30] within the company that you work and so they're taking an active role in helping you advance professionally or or business-wise okay so now that relationship has two Dimensions okay let's take another situation let's take a situation where let's say you you um you know you go to a particular doctor for your health okay well that's not really a relationship okay but maybe you become friends with your

[12:06] doctor and I don't know maybe you play golf together once a month or once a week or something like that the reason that comes to mind is I was watching a movie where that was the case okay so now you've got a multi-dimensional or a multi I should be calling it a multi-pillar relationship okay and that that's built building that relationship it's making it more important it's making it closer okay all right so the goal I think is to have a small group of

[12:46] of relationships that bind that are mutually Bound in all three pillars and I'll explain to you more what what I mean by that when I when I show you the uh tracking uh system that that I've created okay now the reason why I say a small group is because the more Realms in which a relationship operates the more time it takes to keep that relationship vital okay and

[13:21] so you it might sound strange but we're not looking to have a 100 relationships that are active in all three pillars we couldn't sustain that there's not enough time in in the day to do that what we want are a few okay now Judy Robinette uh recom recommends five now she doesn't use the same system I'm just saying in her Topline relationship the closest relationships the ones where at least originally she was saying you you talk to these people every day um I I not

[13:58] sure meant that literally frankly um you have five people in that category okay now maybe you can only sustain three maybe you can sustain 10 I think that will be different for each of us as an individual and that's something that we'll we need to figure out over time okay but it's not going to be a 100 it's not going to be 50 okay it may be 10 it may be seven it may be three it may be two it may only be one okay that that's going to vary depending

[14:33] on who you are how much energy you have um how wide a circle you have etc etc okay so the goal then is to make the balance of our relationships dual pillar relationships meaning they're they're we're connected in more ways than just being friends or a family member okay either we connect some other way because of something in the self pillar or

[15:08] something in the Pursuits pillar now those are mutual connections okay so they have to influence us in one of the other pillars and we have to influence them in one of the other pillars if it's um a relationship an unbalanced relationship and that's fine we do have some unbalanced relationships okay so for example we may have a relationship where um we are mentoring someone okay so so we're connect we're

[15:45] helping them in uh two pillars but they're only helping us in one pillar that's fine but recognize that that relationship is only a strong as the weaker of the two parties in terms of their influence okay and again I'll I'll when I show you the tracking system I think it'll make it clear and that's why the tracking system is so important is because it in essence requires us to really understand where what is the quality of

[16:21] this relationship okay and so if we have a unip pillar relation relationship initially okay and and and by the way the unip pillar may be that this is um this is a customer Okay C customers are great we need them to make our businesses work okay but if we can move the customer to also being a friend right that's going to be a much more devoted customer right and a much more fulfilling relationship because it's

[16:58] both Financial but it's also um emotional we'll call it okay all right so it's you know the first thing that's important is to understand um the various Realms in the three pillars of attainment and um how they might um how they might play into the relationships that we have okay so you might say in the self pillar you might say well identity isn't that

[17:33] my self- identity how could anybody you know be involved in that well I mean it depends you know the person may um if if your spouse May relate to you in terms of identity okay so it really it really just depends okay it depends how open a person you are it depends how close you let people get to you and it also depends on how how close other people in your life let will let people get to them okay so again the idea is you know

[18:09] how how Mutual are the relationships okay so now let's see if I can get the other one up here see if it's going to let me do this [Music] so um concentration oops wrong wrong [Music] file here we go all right oh it's not going to let me bring that up okay so how am I going to do

[18:46] this take that out and it's not let me do this okay I know what I'm going to do I'm going to turn this into a

[19:23] PDF paper size legal and we orientation landscape why is it it's it's weird not sure why it's doing this

[20:02] okay let me just look at this real quickly sorry for the technical difficulties um you know technolog is a great thing when it works but when it doesn't it is disastrous oh I don't know okay that's weird all right let me just look at this real quickly here and oh I see what it is okay okay I got it all right I know what the problem is now okay

[20:45] so okay set print area here we go no let's try it one more time okay here we go all right and let's go to Portrait and

[21:21] print hopefully this image is going to be big enough for you to see once I have it set up here okay now we'll go back here and image and that and here why is it not letting me do this okay well we'll do it a different way

[22:08] oh okay yeah that's too small let's see how how about if I enlarge it no it's going to be too small oh man gosh how am I gonna do this oh boy this this shows you how okay okay I I have an idea all right we'll try one more way of doing this and if it doesn't I'm not sure what I'm gonna do I'm I'm I'm going to hide my head in

[22:43] shame for having done such a terrible job um on the show today okay let's okay there we go

[23:21] and let's see if it's going to let me do this no cancel try it again image it's really this is really giving me a problem here now it's letting me do it it it it just wants me to look foolish I guess I'm not sure why okay here we

[23:56] go and all right so hopefully uh you know you you can you can see this and what you've got are essentially three zones that relate to relationships where all three pillars are are involved relationships where two of the pillars are involved and relationships where only one of the pillars are involved okay and this is what I was talking about earlier so here

[24:33] um uh where there's all three involved and and and for me none of these happen to be my my family members um that that just that just happens to be how it is so um what I've got in terms of these people um is um they contribute to my life as friends uh they contribute to my mindset because they're such close friends and also Pursuits um and and in in all all the cases we do

[25:10] business together okay and I add to their life in all all of the same three uh pillars okay or all the same three uh uh uh yeah uh Realms pillars okay so um what you what's hard to see here is there's there's a um rating system that consists of how many pillars um do um do I offer a value to

[25:46] them how many pillars do they offer a value to me and then there's another column here for the length of the relationship and and I have a code system for the length of the relationship one through four so a relationship up to 10 years gets a one 11 to 20 a two 21 to 30 a three and a 31 and more is a four now some of you are not as old as me so you may not you may you could conceivably do a different coding system but the idea is the longer a relationship has existed

[26:25] the more valuable the better the quality that relationship is okay now that won't always be the case but I think in general it is okay so um when those uh three factors are added together um the value I give to them the value the person gives to me and the um durability Factor okay that gives an overall Factor overall sort of uh yeah factor for the quality of the

[27:00] relationship so in theory a relationship can be anywhere from a three to a 10 okay so a 10 would be a relationship with someone where we both impact each other in all three pillars and we've known each other for for 31 or more years okay now probably not going to have a whole lot of those okay next would be a nine where you know you've known them for a very long time and again you collect connect in at least in all three pillars okay now once you go

[27:35] drop below connecting in all three pillars you'll have a situation where um perhaps you connect in two pillars okay and they connect with you in two pillars so a relationship like that is going to be a four plus the durability factor and the dur durability Factor could be anywhere again between a one and a four so those relationships are going to be somewhere between a five and an eight okay and and and this

[28:12] this is the zone to which you want to build the relationships that I was just mentioning before now by the way my family is my family members are in this second zone so in general um we we connect on um two pillars on both sides so I'm not doing um any any business with my family members um so you know there aren't any that are um up in the all three pillars real or all three pillars section okay so so I have one

[28:48] section for my family and then one section for non-family members where we connect on two pillars okay and then these are all the relationship I okay where I'm connected on one pillar okay and they're connected to me on one pillar okay or maybe you know I'm I'm giving value to their life in two pillars but they're only giving value to my life in one pillar okay and so these relationships are going to be basically thre they're going to be anywhere from a

[29:24] three to if there if there's a high um durability Factor they could be as high as a six okay so you say well wait a minute some of the relationships here in in section uh in in section in the in the two-pillar section could might only be a five yeah they might be if you if you haven't known them for very long okay like I have one relationship like that that's that's a a five okay but for the most part

[29:59] these are going to be six and above because we'll have known these people for a while to build the friendships okay so these are for the most part they you may get a six here but these are for the most part going to be threes and fours and the goal is to build those relationships to go from one pillar relationships to two pillar relationships okay and the way we do that is I'm gonna I'm going to switch this out now replace it oops let me

[30:36] just hide it okay so let's go here I'm going to go back to the um three pillars image okay so again the way we build them is by looking for opportunities to develop the relationship in more than one pillar okay specifically in more in in a realm in another pillar okay so if we've got someone who's a client okay so they're in the finances Realm of the Pursuits

[31:12] pillar we want to try and make them a friend so now it's a two-pillar relationship okay if uh someone is maybe maybe we do some kind of sports okay uh maybe we're on the same sports team we we meet someone we we like them we feel like we have something in common with them we want to build that relationship we want to build from just being colleagues on a team to being friends okay does that make sense

[31:47] hopefully it does I you know you're not able to you're not able to to tell me but but hopefully it does okay now um You may have a friend okay and for whatever reason you're not you're not going to get um involved in in in a Pursuit together but that friend may become an important factor in sustaining your mindset or sustaining your health so maybe you have a friend who turns out they're uh they're a personal trainer and so you start going to them to help you stay uh to help you

[32:22] get proper exercise okay um so each of these the way you know the way to think about building the relationship is to add a realm from another pillar to what connects you to the other person what what allows you to give value to the other person what allows the other person to create value in your life and that's that's how I urge you to think about it you're we're creating value in

[32:57] other people's lives and we're looking for people who are going to create more value in our lives that's building a relationship okay now when I say value that may sound like money I don't mean value in dollar terms necessarily although that may be that that's certainly something of value if they help us grow our business okay if they're a client or a customer okay or maybe they're a business coach um who's who's helping us Market our business better something like that okay

[33:33] that certainly is helping us create value in our lives okay and maybe we're doing that for someone else maybe we're doing that for a friend okay same thing we're delivering value to them okay but that's not the only way okay we can share um activities Hobbies we can share learning excuse me learning opportunities okay we can maybe you know um you need a a someone to maybe you're struggling

[34:08] with with your diet you need to eat better so maybe you'll join with a friend and the two of you will keep each other accountable for eating better so now you're dealing with the health realm in the self pillar on both sides your friends in the relationships pill pillar and your sort of uh accountability Partners in Health in the self pillar okay maybe you're dealing with addiction okay maybe you're dealing with

[34:43] uh you know alcoholism or drug addiction right and you're in a 12-step program and you've got someone who's going to help you be accountable within that program okay that that perhaps is more of a mindset issue okay so maybe you've got that accountability person and that grows into being a friend okay not a romantic relationship because that's that's not the way 12-step programs work okay but um you know you have this person who

[35:19] when you're feeling the urge to drink when and and and you you know you're you you need some help not doing so you know that's that's your accountability person okay that person becomes a friend as well okay all of those are different ways of building relationships now we typically think of building relationships in the professional realm in the business realm okay so we we probably are not going to build relationships in terms of um Health accountability or mindset accountability although we might okay depending on the

[35:56] the type of business Rel relationship it is okay but more likely it's going to be within the relationships and Pursuits pillars okay and it's going to be a relationship that either started out as a friendship that then adds to it something in you know typically something regarding finances in the Pursuits pillar that becomes a valuable business relationship or it's a it's a business situation you it's a client okay there's not a relationship there in the sense of a relationship okay or a

[36:32] colleague um that becomes an actual friend okay and now it's a it's a two-pillar relationship okay all right I hopefully that's been clear um I know there was it was very jumbled because of um the the the the technical difficulties and such that I had um and and to be honest this is the first time well actually this is the second time I've um I've explained it and uh

[37:10] um and the first time I did it I realized I left out the whole component of the three pillars of attainment and so um but in in this case the person I explained it to was familiar with it okay so um you know if you have questions about it you know feel free to post those questions to um you know to social media all the social media links will be in the show notes after this episode posts okay if if it's been if it's completely confused you please let

[37:45] me know okay that's that's valuable input so if you if you watch this show and you're like I don't know what Kevin is talking about please tell me all right because as you know if youve if you you know if you watch the show on any kind of regular basis I put relationship building at the center of my life I think it's crucial to live a good life a a rewarding life but it's also crucial to professional success right which is and business Su business success which

[38:20] is really the theme of the show people making money okay so um you know criticisms are as welcome as you know comments and in some way criticisms are more important than oh this was really great I mean I appreciate it if you think so but I'm really looking for ways on how I can explain this better what what don't you understand what doesn't make sense to you um you know feel free to put those questions or comments in the uh you know like I said in the

[38:55] various social media chats now if there's something specific to you that's private you can send me an email my email address will be in the show notes as well and and I will be happy to address you know that question or that comment as well um and as I refine this I'll I'm I'm sure I'll do other shows on it and and I'll I'll I'll learn better how to convey this information to you so so you know stay tuned um you may see you know new way of building relationships part two or Redux

[39:31] or something like that and and and you know if building relationships is at all important is is is is important to you then you know I encourage you to you know follow how I'm working on these because I think it'll become ever clearer for you it's taken me a lot of time to figure out how to do this because relationships can be so amorphous and are they really the quality that we think we are how do we H bring some level of objectivity to them

[40:08] and and I think you know as I point over my shoulder the three pillars of attainment will help give us that that measure of objectivity that will help us really know if we're building ever better relationships Okay so little bit shorter show today than usual um but um I I in I particularly appreciate you're hanging in there with me as I dealt with the technical challenges um and uh and and you know again would really appreciate getting

[40:43] your feedback so uh tomorrow uh is my every other week's show Thursday at 5:00 pm uh Pacific time jigger's place we're going to have the the deliberation cocktail in honor of my talking about jury duty um the I I've been promoting it the same way all week it's it's the thing that everybody in America wants to avoid and I think that's a shame so I'm going to talk about my experience on jury duty which uh I I I I found quite fascinating and

[41:21] uh perhaps that will give you a new perspective on this a age-old thing to avoid and then next week on uh Monday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific time is my show uh um trust and Estates weekly and let's see um actually NE this coming Monday is a holiday it's Martin Luther King Junior Day and so as is my practice um I'll be doing a special show in honor of Martin

[41:58] Luther King Jr day so please tune in for that on Tuesday at 10: a.m. Pacific time will be the next edition of business lessons from the military and then one week from today we'll be back for the next episode of people making money so thank you so much for joining me today especially for hanging in there I had a couple of live viewers I think they were kind of like is he ever going to get his act together uh hope hopefully I did well enough that you got value today so thank you for joining me wishing you a wonderful rest of the day and signing

[42:35] off as I always do Marie darling you are my bell courage